Article: 945 of alt.tv.dinosaurs.barney.die.die.die From: phoenix@genesis.MCS.COM (Eliezer Shlomo Yudkowsky) Newsgroups: alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die Subject: Barney vs. the Federation Date: 22 Oct 1993 17:04:13 -0500 Organization: MCSNet Subscriber, Chicago, IL Lines: 117 Message-ID: <2a9lct$qfc@genesis.MCS.COM> NNTP-Posting-Host: genesis.mcs.com Summary: Part Three (last part) Status: OR Here is the final installment in Barney vs. The Federation BARNEY VS. THE FEDERATION, PART THREE. Glytarra sat at the head of the luxurious conference table, her new first officer, Lipsh(tik), sitting beside her. "I have called you here," she began, "to discuss methods of destroying the Purple Cluster and Barney the Dinosaur." "Are you sure we should destroy it?" asked the First Contact officer, Lt. Rawj. "Granted, it seems deadly, and granted, it sounds annoying, but it doesn't seem all that hostile. It certainly sounds like a peaceful creature." "Because it was responsible for the Fall." growled Lipsh(tik). "How do you know that it wasn't the Jihad's fault?" Glytarra looked at Rawj suspiciously but he seemed alert. No signs of mispelling. "The Fall is considered to have been precipitated by a lack of responsibility and decreased intelligence among Earth's people." stated Info. "This is consistent with what we know of Barney." "Even so, it could have been an accident. The Barney may not know what it has done. Shouldn't we make an effort to communicate?" asked Rawj. "How?" asked Glytarra. "The top million officers should separate their section from the *Leviathan* and go into the Purple Cluster and drop the shields. If we die, the backup clones will take over." Backup clones experienced (a la Gosseyn) everything that their principals did. If the principal died, the backup clone would wake up with no change in personality. The top million had mostly gone through five or six clones already. "What if the Purple Cluster takes us over?" "I'm sure that the problems with former commander Makop stem from an attempt to communicate through shields." On an impulse, Glytarra tapped out a command on her keyboard. Rawj was, the computer said, suffering from a very gradual spongification. "Doctor Bluzh. Rawj is a Sponge-Minion. Get him!" Rawj sprang from his seat with an inhuman howl. He almost got to the door before twelve phasers cut him down. We were outside the Purple Cluster. We were back in the Home Cluster, thought Glytarra. The Barney is among us. Glytarra was in bed when Doctor Bluzh appeared in a virtual before her eyes. "Bad news." said Doctor Bluzh. "Three other crewmembers have been sponged." "At the current rate of progress, it will be seven hours until spongification is totally undetectable." "What!" Glytarra leapt out of bed. "You mean, seven hours from now anyone could be a Sponge-Minion?" "Yes...Including you. Or me. Or any one of a trillion trillion people." "We have three hours left until this ship dissolves in a morass of suspicion, and two days until every man, woman, and hermaphrodite on this ship is a Sponge-Minion. We need suggestions from all crewmembers, repeat ALL crewmembers. The computer will process your suggestions in the usual fashion." Glytarra snapped off the broadcast switch. The broadcast would generate around 10^23 suggestions, 10^10 of which would be any good. Of those, they would boil down to a couple of million different ideas. These would go through the higher computer functions, leaving only a thousand for Glytarra to review. Suggestions began to scroll down the keyboard. Glytarra sped-read them over a couple of minutes, selecting the top ten. They were: 1. Send a timeship to get a Jihad member to help us. 2. Rip a hole in the universe in the center of the Purple Cluster. 3. Release known Sponge-Minions to see who they associate with. 4. Place the ship in stasis and call for help. 5. Fragment the sphere and hope the Barney couldn't track them all. 6. Use the experimental emergency teleport (23.2% never got back). 7. Destroy all records of Barney and anything Purple. 8. Barney had a cluster, maybe the Anti-Barney Incarnate also had a cluster? 9. Invoke Q. 10. Use nanites to convert everyone on the ship to hardwired robots and hope. Glytarra stopped at number eight and thought hard for an hour. The AB was supposedly from an alternate Universe, so it might not have a cluster. In any case they might not be able to find the cluster. Wait-wasn't there another Power, one from this Universe- Her fingers tore into the keyboard. "All crewmembers enter your stasis chambers. We will teleport to the Bright Cluster in 10 seconds." She wished she hadn't given them so little time, but the Barney might be able to counteract them. The *Leviathan* hummed an unbearable note as energy capacitors built up to a level that had never been seen before in the history of man. ****************************************************************************** ******************************DISCONTINUITY*********************************** ****************************************************************************** The sudden displacement between the opposite ends of the Universe produced a short-circuit in spacetime. The *Leviathan* was trapped between spacetime. Both Powers manifested directly. The resultant mind-current wiped the memories of every crewmember and rewired the computer in strange ways. Lightning tornadoes swept the ship, producing strange manifestations as reality warped and distorted. The *Leviathan* held 10^24 newborn babies. Only one in a thousand survived as they scrambled hopelessly for food, gnawing on emergency rations and hunting the strange distortions of man that haunted the ship, some of which were edible. As time went on, the World evolved and grew. Countless cultures flourished or died. Both Powers continued to manifest directly, gathering friends and enemies. The Lightnings continued to sweep the ship, producing things strange and wonderful, and people strange and wonderful. And it was evening, and it was dawn, on the first day... End Tachyon Camera) Look for occasional adventures from: THE WORLD BETWEEN by Eliezer Yudkowsky. Eliezer Yudkowsky, Lord of the Bright DAY! (and the Bright Cluster!) -- Eliezer Yudkowsky phoenix@genesis.mcs.com "There are more ways to skin a cat than nuking it from orbit- but it's the only way to be sure."