Article: 890 of alt.tv.dinosaurs.barney.die.die.die Path: news.mtu.edu!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!news.kei.com!ddsw1!not-for-mail From: phoenix@genesis.MCS.COM (Eliezer Shlomo Yudkowsky) Subject: Barney vs. Federation Date: 20 Oct 1993 15:51:12 -0500 Organization: MCSNet Subscriber, Chicago, IL Lines: 68 Message-ID: <2a48c0$i1a@genesis.MCS.COM> NNTP-Posting-Host: genesis.mcs.com Summary: Part One Status: OR OK, you want to know what would happen if the Federation ran into Barney? (Begin Tachyon Camera BARNEY VS. THE FEDERATION, PART ONE Captain Bludgeon was sitting tensely in his chair as the U.S.S. *Blunt* *Instrument* sped through the void at warp 13. It was the 26th century. The UFP had spread throughout the Milky Way, indeed throughout the cluster. The Borg had been quietly assimilated. The Klingons and Romulans were security guards. The only remaining enemy of the Federation was Q, and he hadn't shown up in a hundred years. There being no more enemies, the U.S.S. *Blunt* was looking for new ones. This was the first expedition to the Purple Cluster. Of course, the *Blunt* wasn't alone. He was simply commanding Scout Group 20, section 3. The real expedition was the Dyson class Starship, the *Leviathan*, he was scouting for. Bludgeon was in the lead starship. Every parsec he covered was a parsec that no man had ever covered before. The Unknown waited to jump out and bonk him. That wasn't why Bludgeon was tense. He was tense because his Betazoid counselor had just gone into "overdrive." He was tense, because she'd been trying to marry him for the past two years after her last "overdrive." To distract himself from his horrified thoughts of marriage, he ran an engineering check. The Scotties were okay, so were the Weslies, hey! "Engineering? Why have we slowed to Warp 12?" The bridge holoprojectors flashed to life. "We don't know, Captain. We thing somethink is wrong." Bludgeon felt like he had just stumbled on something. "What? Hamner, could you repeat that." "We dont know, Capten. We thinc somthinc is rong en injenireeng." "Are you drunk?" How else could he mispell a hologram, Bludgeon thought. "Noe, dreenkeenk iz bed fore yu." There was some kind of horribly annoying singing in the backround. "Get me your 2IC!" "Heerz mi twik, Caipiten." the holo camera swung around to Blake Jack. He was drooling on several sensitive instruments, slowly crooning, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family..." Bludgeon hit the disconnect. "Counselor Malet!" The holo showed the Betazed, dancing naked around the room. "I love you, you love me, I cannot speed properli," "Security! Lieutenant Klub!" The Klingon was shrieking terribly as a Purple mist darted in and out of his head. As Bludgeon watched in horror, the Klingon fell down and started muttering, "I...don't...love...you!" He took his phaser and shot himself. A Purple cloud fled from his mouth. "MEDICAL!" The holo showed blessed peace in the medical isolation room. Dr. Crusher looked up, puzzled. "Captain?" Bludgeon's fingers were already turning the ship around. "Don't go out of isolation. Something is trying to take over the ship!" "But..." "Stay there!" he disconnected the holo. Fastening his seat belt, his hands shoved the Warpmeter forward. The Weslies, already contaminated, blew. Nothing was left of the *Blunt* *Instrument* but an expanding dust cloud. TO BE CONTINUED... Eliezer Yudkowsky, Lord of the Bright DAY! P.S. The anti-Barney manifests in this universe through a conduit created by Bill Watterson while drinking. It appears in a different form of media than the Internet. It has been quoted in at least one .sig here, though. -- Eliezer Yudkowsky phoenix@genesis.mcs.com "There are more ways to skin a cat than nuking it from orbit- but it's the only way to be sure."