Stryfe looked out over the city where he believed the Jihad was launching Operation WorldWalk from. He had heard reports from his Intelli-Vipers that TRES units had been spotted in the city. However, a follow-up transmission sent over five minutes ago had gone unanswered, and the Vipers could be dead by now. No matter. He wasn't one to let a few missing scouts hamper his progress. From his location, a company each of Wraith-Troopers and B.A.T.s, in addition to a platoon of missile tanks, waited to unleash white-hot death at his command. Nearby, a B'Harne Magus was whipping his Sponge-Bops into a frenzy for the carnage to come. A Tricerian Centaur, resplendent in steel battlearmor covering his humanoid torso and shoulders, hailed Stryfe with "Nice weather for a city battle, eh, sir?" Stryfe smiled as he turned to field the query from his aide-de-camp. "Yes, Plushtaro. This will be a day long remembered. It will soon see the end of Operation WorldWalk, and the coming weeks will see the end of the Jihad as well!" He laughed long, loud, and darkly. # Slayer "War Ensemble" _Seasons in the Abyss_ Rock and a Hard Place Productions in association with Psycho-ScrewHose Publishing presents A Tale of the Jihad to Destroy Barney the Dinosaur STRYFEFALL by J-Rock, with an assist from Solar Warrior J-Rock fielded reports from his motorcycle-turned-mobile HQ as an understrength Kappa Squad searched through the city, looking for this new B*rn*y Liberation Front. Why anyone would want to call an army of oppressor Wyrm-Minions a "Liberation Front" escaped him at the moment, but that was not important now. The sheer amount of propaganda generated by the BLF almost made him wish Kappa Squad was at full strength for this sortie. Admiral Mad Piper, J-Rock's second, had taken Gypsy Joker, Ian Chapin, and Aruba on what MP referred to as a "fact-finding mission" to the seaquest DSV, long suspected as a mobile base for Spongin activity. The fact that this half was using old TAMUBGD "Terminator" Tactical Dreadnought Armor to do this sprang to mind, elicting a smile from the veteran Majahid and a heartfelt wish that he had his old TAMUBGD squad (Squad Weasel Fierce) back intact so HE could do the sub-boarding mission. But the past was the past, and the present currently occupied, nay, DEMANDED his attention. One slip in vigilance could reveal this trap for what it was, and the Jihad would miss their chance to capture (or kill) the elusive Stryfe. Lt. Com. Dow pulled his bike next to J-Rock's mondocycle (so named because it was bigger than Maeve the Feral's famous Motorized Rollerskate) and said, "Dan and Sebastian haven't found anything yet, Admiral." "All right, have Sebastian check Sector 19, and Dan can sweep Sector 23." "Yes, Admiral." With that, Dow sped off to join Ensign Sebastian Hanlon, whom J-Rock had paired with Dow to offer encouragement to the Ensign. At length, a form materialized in the emerging-from-water style of a deactivating Predator cloak near J-Rock. It had the body style of a CR-2X or a SK-TR1, except it was painted in midnight blue and gray. said the robot in a sideband voice. it continued, holding up a pair of Intell-Viper heads. "Nice work, Smoke," J-Rock replied. "Yeah, yeah, how soon I forget. There's really no excuse for that on my part, seeing how I wrote you and all... Won't happen again." Smoke only tossed his head in a "yeah, right" gesture. "Cool it, Smoke. They may have falled victim to a roving Maenad." "I'm going to back up Dan. You've got the free safety." With that, Smoke displaced to a nearby rooftop before cloaking again. J-Rock shrugged, mumbled something about Pygmalion (not the play), and rode the Bahamode off towards Lt. JG Dan Wood's position. **************************************************************************** # The Doors "People are Strange" A Chinese girl, no taller than five-and-a-half feet, stood on a roooftop, surveying the city below. She was wearing a mustard-colored long-sleeve shirt with loose black pants and the kind of shoes that martial artists wear. Her black hair was cut very short, and a yellow polka-dot headband kept what remained out of her eyes. Completing the Ryouga-inspired outfit was an Oriental umbrella slung in a holder on her back. She had seen all sorts of military activity in the past few hours: First a couple of Hummers, then a few motorcycles patroling the area (including some guy with a sword strapped to his back riding the biggest bike she had ever seen). At one point, she had seen an armored column that could have given Hitler's Wehrmacht in its heyday a run for its money. Now, her eyes beheld a gathering of robots, ceratopsians, and a few humans, led by a muscular man with long raven hair in silver armor with a square jaw and a scar near his right eye. However, in her sight, the armored man had a bright purple aura about him. So, she thought, one of my targets is here. Good. She went into a crouch and crept to the roof's edge. It had been only a few weeks before that some guy with glowing electric blue eyes, wearing a coolie hat and bearing a staff, came to her in a dream and charged her with the sacred quest of finding and killing the net-cops from AOHell and Fraudigy. When she woke up, she found two things: 1) The umbrella that now rode on her back; 2) That she could see an aura around certain people, telling her that they were potential prey. The leader below turned to his minions, and completely destroyed the imposing image that had formed in her mind by saying, "Bring out the prisoner!" It wasn't what he _had_ said. On the contrary -- the phrase made him sound even more imposing. What had wrecked the mental picture beyond repair was his voice: it was whiny and high-pitched, making him sound like a bratty eight-year-old. The girl smiled. Killing you is going to be fun, she thought. And I seriously doubt if all those bruisers are going to make a difference. **************************************************************************** Maeve was shoved along rather rudely towards Stryfe. The Chinese handcuffs that bound her hands bit into her fingers, almost making her wince. She had been caught by a couple of Wraith-Troopers, and dragged here to the court, as it were, of the BLF. Stryfe leered at her and said in his whiny voice (which to him was normal), "At last, we have the High Senator of NEBULA. Normally, I'd recycle your ass right now, but I'd like to see you grovel first. I could use a good laugh before I crush the WorldWalk HQ." "You won't find it. It's hidden quite nicely. As for this whole setup, puh-lease. I've seen better Sponge-Minions that these at McGill." That brought a hail of boos from the assembled crowd, but Stryfe silenced them with a wave of his hand as he yelled "ENOUGH!" Turning to Maeve, he said, "I can see this is getting us nowhere. BRING OUT THE PLASMATOX TANK!" **************************************************************************** # "Imperial March" _"Star Wars" soundtrack_ Smoke watched intently from another building as a vehicle resembling the Dipmobile from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" rolled out towards Stryfe and Maeve to the cheers of the BLF faithful. Something would have to be done about this. But first, a call for backup would be necessary... **************************************************************************** came Smoke's voice over the radio. J-Rock answered, "What's the bad news, and your position?" Smoke never used the radio unless it was an emergency. That part of Smoke's operational personality J-Rock knew by heart. Smoke's coordinates came up on the Bahamode's computer screen. "Christ Almighty! We're on our way," J-Rock answered, opening the throttle all the way. Dan goosed his throttle and followed about a second behind the Admiral's pace. **************************************************************************** Stryfe stood with Maeve and a Wraith-Trooper on a platform at the edge of the PlasmaTox cauldron. "Last chance to join me, honey." Maeve responded with, "Eat my Reeboks, O-celo brain!" "THROW HER IN!!" The Wraith-Trooper was about to comply when a woman's voice rang out clear as a bell: "I don't think so!" An opened umbrella flew towards the cauldron, slicing a huge gash in the side. The viscous red poison gushed out like blood from an arterial wound. Maeve took this moment to slip out of her handcuffs and throw the trooper over her head into the muck. The trooper writhed in agony for a few minutes as a grappling cable shot out from nowhere, tying itself neatly around Maeve's waist and pulling her up out of harm's way. Stryfe would have grabbed for Maeve, but he stared transfixed at the woman standing on the roof of the building. "Who dares to obstruct the justice of Barney?!" Stryfe hollered. "Would you believe me if I told you Judge Lance Ito?" asked the woman with undisguised contempt as she caught her returning umbrella. "Meddling little insect!" Stryfe shouted. "Plushtaro! Teach this girl some manners!" "At once, m'lord." With that, Plushtaro aimed the tip of his tail at the woman, sending a red ray that would've hit her, had she not executed a front flip, sending the umbrella flying into the crowd of Sponge-Bops and B.A.T.s, lopping off a lot of heads. # Utah Saints "Utah Saints Take On the Theme to Mortal Kombat" The girl came down on her extended right foot, sending out a shockwave which decimated the Wraith-Troopers that were foolish enough to be at or near Ground Zero. She then snapped off a left-footed wheel kick that would've done Bruce Lee proud, laying two more Wraiths low. Catching her umbrella again, she held it out in front of her, watching the massed small-arms fire bounce off like summer rain before each one of the BLF's longarms spontaneously decided not to function. Turning her attentions to the Magus, she cupped her hands and thrust them outwards, yelling "MOUKO TAKABISHYA!!!!" A yellow fireball erupted from her hands and sped towards the Magus, who frantically raised a shield spell. The Magus's shield resisted the fireball for all of five-tenths of a second before shattering like a glass window, leaving the fireball to hit the Magus, sending him flying backwards before landing on his back. He twitched once, and then departed from this world. The girl then picked up a plasma grenade from a fallen BJ-hadar, primed it, thrust it into a B.A.T.'s hands while saying "Hold this," then used her umbrella to launch herself at a Sludge-Trooper. Her kick impacted the Trooper's nose, sending cartilage into the brain; but by some strange twist of fate, the Trooper remained standing. She swung her umbrella at another B.A.T.'s head, almost knocking its head off its shoulders as the first B.A.T. went up in a hellstorm of plasma. A thrust of the umbrella into the chest put the android down for good. She turned to the dead Sludge-Trooper and said: "This is where you fall down." At this time, the Trooper's body finally got the message that it was indeed dead, and went down like a poleaxed steer. **************************************************************************** Smoke and Maeve huddled together inside the building. Maeve observed, "Well. Doesn't this stink to high heaven. She fights -- we watch." Smoke responded. "No, thanks. It doesn't stop me from feeling impotent, though.. and thanks for the rescue." Maeve left to find the Motorized Rollerskate. **************************************************************************** The stranger turned to address Stryfe. "Not bad for an 'insect', if I do say so myself. Got any more taco filling for me to massacre?" Stryfe responded by clapping slowly and saying, "Better than I expected. But you will soon die, just like the other weak, pathetic fools in the Jihad." To which the woman articulately replied, "Who, or what, the Hell are you talking about?" "Don't play dumb with me, lady! You know damn well what I mean!" "Actually, I don't, you Romper Room reject!" "YOU DARE INSULT ME?!?!?!" "All I want to do is rip your head off. Comprende?" "I believe it will be ME doing the honors to YOU! Plushtaro! Take the army to the front! I'll meet you as soon as I finish with her!" Plushtaro replied, "Your will be done, m'lord. ALL RIGHT, MOVE OUT!" The centaur exerted his will on the milling Sponge-Bops in place of the slain Magus, and they left the immediate area with the rest of the survivors. It will be over for you anyway, little girl, Stryfe told himself as he pulled his helmet on. Whatever that PlasmaTox touches becomes toxic gas that only we alone are immune to! You stand no cha-- what?!?! The PlasmaTox.. it's becoming inert far too soon! Their foul Solar Ishtari mages had to be doing this! They too shall pay dearly for this outrage, he thought. But not now. First, he would PERSONALLY make this wench... suffer. # George S. Clinton "Goro vs. Art" _"Mortal Kombat" soundtrack_ The girl swung the closed umbrella at Stryfe's helmeted head. It impacted with a deafening CLANG against the side of his head, turning it slightly. Stryfe turned his head back, giving her a demonic grin as he shook his head slowly. The woman tried again, firing off a spin kick which Stryfe blocked adroitly with a raised forearm. Then Stryfe lowered the boom with a shoulder charge, sending the woman clear across the battlefield. **************************************************************************** The girl was in serious pain. Her vision's vertical hold had been shot to Hell with that shoulder charge, and she thought that she'd wrecked her ankle on that blocked spin kick. Six Stryfes advanced on her as one as she realized that her umbrella was out of reach. She struggled to stand up as Stryfe mockingly asked, "You're still trying to win?" Stryfe put her back down to the ground with a cruel backhanded slap. He then grabbed her shirt, pulling her up to her knees as he drew back his fist to land the final blow. Whoever you were, she inwardly told the mysterious man in her dream, I'm sorry I failed you. The blow never came, though. Confused, the girl opened her eyes and saw that Stryfe's gauntleted fist had some kind of harpoon lanced into the armor there. And a sideband voice called out, as its owner pulled Stryfe off of her by the tow-line connected to the harpoon. The girl collapsed as unconsciousness attacked and quickly subdued her. **************************************************************************** A FEW MOMENTS BEFORE... came Smoke's voice over the radio. "That's nice to know," J-Rock responded. "'The enemy of my enemy is my friend!'" J-Rock laughed. "If it's possible for you, assist her at your discretion." **************************************************************************** BACK TO THE PRESENT Stryfe wheeled around to face the impudent midnight-blue robot who just saved that undeserving girl's life. "You fool! You shall share her fate as well!" he cried. came the robot's reply. Stryfe rushed the robot, who then disappeared. He then felt a blow to the back of his head as the robot displaced behind him. Stryfe staggered a few steps forward before facing the robot again. A compartment in the robot's chest opened, sending the harpoon out again. Stryfe batted the harpoon aside with an angry roar that turned into a yelp of pain as a black-suited blonde came from his peripheral blind spot, smacking the side of his knee with a piece of rebar. "Great," he cried. "More jealous bitches to the slaughter." He was so engrossed in plotting her slow death that he didn't hear the throaty roar of a motorcycle until it and its sword-wielding rider clad in sliver and black were upon him. "Heads up!" J-Rock yelled, swinging Da Holy Sibling-Sawblade in a wide arc, looking to behead Stryfe. However, Da Sawblade glanced off a shoulder pad, and only the tip of Da Sawblade caught Stryfe's exposed chin. J-Rock brought his Bahamode into a skid-to-a-stop, setting up for another pass. He did not expect what happened next. Stryfe brought his hand to his chin, watching as it came away bloody. He then started to close his eyes and wail, "WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! YOU'RE ALL JUST JEALOUS OF THE FACT THAT I CAN RAISE AN ARMY BIG ENOUGH TO CRUSH YOUR PATHETIC JIHAD!! THAT'S RIGHT, EVERY ONE OF YOU IS DEAD!! JUST YOU WAIT!! WAAAAAAHHH!!" The three-eyed blonde woman picked up the Chinese girl and said, "Let's get out of here while he's wailing and stupid." "Absolutely," replied J-Rock, speeding off. The triclops turned and skated away, leaving Stryfe to his tantrum. "HEY! COME BACK HERE AND GET WHAT'S COMING TO YOU! FOR I AM............ SSSSSSSTTTTTRRRRYYYYFFFFFFEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" **************************************************************************** The girl came to a few minutes later. "Ah good, you're awake," came a woman's voice from across the room. "Where am I?" the stranger asked, sitting up on the sofa she was laid out upon. Oddly enough, she also noticed that the pain was gone. and that her umbrella was propped up in a corner of the room. "Don't worry, you're safe," continued the other woman as she entered. She was dressed in a black one-piece suit, with a staff over a sunburst featured prominently on the left breast. The stranger continued to gawk at the third eye on her forehead. "A-are you one of the Salubri? I've heard stories about them, but.." The blonde laughed. "No, I'm a triclops, really. But I hear that a lot from J-Rock." "Who?" "Never mind. You'll meet him in a few minutes. My name's Diana. What's yours?" "Anita." "So, from what I saw out there, we'll have to start calling you Battle Angel Anita." Anita gave Diana a look like she didn't know whether to grin or cringe. "Excuse me, Anita, but I have been hanging around Solar Warrior far too long.." "Who?" "Never mind. You'll run into him eventually. Between the pressures of command, J-Rock's Salubri references, and Solar's puns, it's a wonder I stay sane. But enough about me for now. Tell me about yourself." Anita rattled off the story of the dream and her quest to a rapt Diana. When she finished, Diana said, "The man in your dream was the Elder God Raiden. It would appear to me that you're some kind of solar physical adept. You have no spellcasting ability to speak of, by your own admission, but you're talented, and fast. We could use someone like you in the Jihad." "There's that word again," Anita said. "Would someone please tell me what that means?" "I have an idea. Why don't I tell you how I found out about the Jihad?" "I'm not going anywhere." # Petra "Beyond Belief" [AUTHOR'S NOTE: The montage that appears throughout this paragraph can be found in the story "Redemption". Ask Solar Warrior for it by email to bossclaw@compassnet.com. *end of huge shameless blatant plug* ^_^ ] Diana spun a tale of conflict and absolution amidst the backdrop of Oregon in winter. She told of a church, a kidnapping attempt on ice, and of an artifact that granted her amazing powers. She also told of her first contact with the forces of B'harne in the form of Sponge-Bops and how she met Solar Warrior and learned of the Jihad. At the end of her story, Anita said, "I thought you looked familiar." "That's one of the good things about the Jihad. They'll take anybody who's sincere, regardless of their past, race, sex, color, or creed. Unless you've angered them already, like Glen Ryan and his Holy Crusade." "Sounds great. Where do I sign?" "First, you need a name. Not that I have anything against Anita, Anita is a pretty name, but most everybody in the Jihad has some kind of stage name, if you will." "Hmm," Anita hmmed. "I got it!" She sprung to her feet as she continued. "How about 'P-Chan'?" "I like the sound of that," Diana replied. "Then I stand identified," P-Chan said. "Come on. It's time to see J-Rock." **************************************************************************** Lt. Com. James Dow sat on the turret of his J1A1 Scatterer Tank, so named because it carried the Spatial Displacement Cannon, which used neutrons to break molecular bonds. This accomplished two things: 1) Increasing the overall entropy of the universe; 2) Increasing the overall entropy of whatever it was fired at. In other words, anything this gun hit would Blow Up Real Good. At the moment, his tank company and a detachment of B'Horn Grazer Tanks were lying in ambush along a series of side streets and alleys, waiting for the BLF armor to come by. The plan was simple: Three tanks from the B'Horn detachment would engage the column, cutting off their advance. Then, a B'Horn Busnaught would block the rear line of escape. Dow was sure of one thing as he climbed in and closed the hatch: a lot of dirty infighting and dying would take place in a few minutes. Dow's comm officer spoke up, "They're coming, sir." "Battle stations," Dow intoned. The BLF may have been built with munchkinism in mind, he thought, but they were about to get an education in tactics from the TRES Corps. An education, he hoped, that they'd never get the chance to use. # KMFDM "A Drug Against War" _Angst_ The B'Horn tanks danced across the front of the column, laying waste to two of its number before fading away. The BLF armor commander ordered the column to pursue the impudents who had just shot at them. This set the stage for the Busnaught to slam the door. It moved to block the egress, gravity-pod supports steadying the machine firmly in place across the street. The TRES tanks moved in from the front to stop the advance and infiltrated the ranks from the sides of the defile the B'Horn had herded the BLF tanks into. Many many BLF tanks fell to the TRES guns and the Busnaught's two laser turret cupolas and broadside battery of three anti-tank guns. The gravity-pods kept the machine upright, allowing it to spew its deadly cargo more efficiently. J-Rock is a genius, Dow thought as his cannon blasted a BLF battle tank to its component atoms. And this had all the makings of his best plan yet. **************************************************************************** Plushtaro heard the reports as the tanks had run into trouble and ordered his troops on a forced march to provide support. However, he hadn't counted on a subcompact car racing through the ranks, running over a great many of his Sponge-Bops. Another thing he hadn't counted on was his troops being bombarded by what appeared to be high-explosive metal footballs, each one coming from a new direction. "Stand your ground!" he cried. "Wait for them to come around, and let them have it!" **************************************************************************** Maeve brought the Motorized Rollerskate into a hard bootlegger reverse, making the tires squeal in protest. She saw a clump of Sponge-Bops go flying, victims of Smoke's football launcher. "The joke's on you, Plushtaro," she said to herself. "Smoke's is the only football launcher out there. You forget, he can displace." She floored it back towards the throng, this being her last pass before Diana deployed the 'raptors. Nearby, she saw a squad of 'Bops, ready to fire on overwatch. Let 'em have it again, Smoke. **************************************************************************** Plushtaro could only howl with rage as the Rollerskate ground more of his forces into the pavement. And, to add insult to injury, four of those thrice-damned Solar Ishtari velociraptors leapt into the relatively few survivors of this assault. This is exactly what I needed, Plushtaro thought sarcastically as his hold on the Sponge-Bops broke with them. For all his skill at bending Sponge-Bops to his will, he still could not suppress their fear of 'raptors. He was about to wade in and beat up a few velociraptors when a midnight-blue robot appeared suddenly in front of him, a bazooka-type weapon slung on its shoulder. Plushtaro's eyes widened as he recognized the robot as the one who had rescued Maeve the Feral. Smoke said, leveling the football launcher at him. "GRRAAAHH! Fuck off, automaton!" With that, Plushtaro fired his tail cannon at Smoke's football launcher, slagging it. Smoke dropped the now-useless weapon, saying, With that, Smoke leapt into the air, extending his left foot in mid-flight. # The Immortals "Techno-Syndrome 7'' Mix" _"Mortal Kombat" soundtrack_ His kick caught Plushtaro right in the head, staggering the beast. Plushtaro whipped his tail around, taking Smoke's feet out from under him. They fought like this for a few minutes, each one probing the other's defenses with aerial manuevers, fighting displacements, and takedowns. Finally, Smoke attempted to displace, hoping to catch Plushtaro unawares. Unfortunately, the centaur was waiting for precisely that. He blocked Smoke's flying uppercut and caught the bot between his hands, seeking to rip him in half like some football star whose name is lost in the mists of antiquity did to a Miller Lite can. Smoke struggled for awhile in Plushtaro's grasp while the latter laughed loudly. Then, smoke began pouring out from vents in the robot's body. This caused Plushtaro to laugh louder and boom, "If you think you can harm the mighty Plushtaro with _gas_, then you, and your programmer, are bigger fools than I ever suspected! Burn in cyber-hell! AH-HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA--" His laughter ceased as the robot's hands grabbed his lower jaw and central horn, forcing his mouth open. And, as a thinner third arm extended from Smoke's collarbone, priming a HEAP grenade before jamming it down the centaur's throat, Plushtaro realized that the bot wasn't trying to gas him, but to _blind_ him. Smoke said as long, paired twin blades sprang forth from housings on both arms. Smoke slashed himself free as Plushtaro choked on the grenade. He then pushed himself away, looking for all the world like a thrown midnight-blue smoke grenade one might buy at a fireworks stand rolling to a stop. Then the grenade exploded, leaving only the lower-half of the human torso and the centaur legs wobbling upright for a second before crashing to earth, spilling green blood. "Aww, you let the smoke out," Maeve observed from the driver's seat of the Rollerskate. Smoke said as he shut off his smoke generator. **************************************************************************** Stryfe drove around in his HAVOC, searching for the Jihaddi that had cheated him of his quarry. He could not believe the nerve of that Chinese girl, denying him Maeve the Feral. Damn her! And damn J-Rock and The Mage Formerly Known As Tonya Harding for denying him the chance to give her her richly deserved comeuppance! Then he saw that fhuge silver and black motorcycle. "Prepare to die, J-Schlock!" he yelled over the external speaker. The pickups returned J-Rock's reply: "Come over here and say that." Then he peeled out before Stryfe's finger could tighten around the quad-linked Avengers' trigger. "Oh no you don't!" shouted Stryfe, gunning the engine and giving chase. # Deep Purple "Highway Star" J-Rock took the Bahamode on a winding tour of the streets, always taking care to stay out of the HAVOC's targeting reticle. The fact that J-Rock wasn't allowing any good shots didn't stay Stryfe's hand, as he fired whenever he had J-Rock anywhere near his sights. The cannons spoke again, chewing up a patch of asphalt only a foot away from the mondocycle. "That was TOO close," J-Rock said as he threw the bike around a corner, launching the bike over a barricade and around another. Stryfe floored it right through the first barricade, then stopped right in his tracks as he saw what was in front of the second. It was P-Chan, holding a opened scroll in her hand. She then held it in front of her, cleared her throat, and read the scroll. Stryfe knew he should be extinguishing this germ now, but his sense of melodrama compelled him to let her have her say. P-Chan responded by performing the eldritch equivalent of speaking in tongues. A wind blew through the area, blowing scraps of paper every which way. P-Chan's eyes glowed electric blue as she continued her reading. At length, her hair being blown by the wind, she let the hand holding the scroll drop to her side and pointed her finger at the HAVOC, finishing the incantaion in plain English: "MICHAEL IS NOTHING WITHOUT HIS CAR!!" The wind died down as Stryfe muttered, "Yeah, right." His fingers tightened on the triggers... And then something impossible happened. All four Avengers JAMMED SIMULTANEOUSLY!!! (trust me, this is worth three exclamation points. -- J-R) Stryfe leered for a brief second. "Well now, you just bought yourself a few more seconds of life. Hope you enjoyed them," he said as he stomped the gas pedal. It floored easy, but without any sound or movement on the HAVOC's part. "FUCK!" shouted Stryfe. P-Chan leaped aside, shouting "Hit him now, Sebastian!" Behind the barricade, Sebastian Hanlon and Dan Wood steadied the Wave Motion Rifle on their shoulders, pulling the twin triggers as one... # Ministry "Psalm 69" _Psalm 69: The Way to Succeed and The Way to Suck Eggs_ A ray of blinding white light streamed forth with a low hum, spitting the HAVOC neatly through the windshield. Stryfe muttered "oh, shit" as he dived out of his ride, hauling his pulse detonation laser rifle out with him. The beam impaled the mondocar for four seconds, then shut off, followed by a half second of dead silence. Then the HAVOC went to Hell in a fiery mess. Behind the barricade, Sebastian shouted "I LOVE THIS GUN!!!" as he, J-Rock, and Dan exchanged thunderous high-fives. "You gotta love those 'Skuld's Machine Curse' scrolls," Dan said. "Jubilate later, people. Look!" J-Rock shouted as Stryfe trained the rifle on the barricade, hosing it with laser fire and sending the men diving for cover. In his rage for losing his prized car, he didn't notice P-Chan until her thrown umbrella tore a gash through his breastplate. Stryfe roared, turning his full attention on P-Chan, who wished that she hadn't thrown her only piece of cover at the maniac. So, only Sebastian and Dan noticed J-Rock moving a lever on his handlebars to the "UP" position. "Bye, bye, baby," Stryfe said before an amplified voice intervened: "STRYFE!!" # Johann Sebastian Bach "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" Stryfe turned to face the source of the voice before his retort caught in his throat. Standing behind the barricade was a twelve-foot-tall, silver and black mecha unit, bearing a 25mm autorifle. With J-Rock sitting in the enclosed cockpit. J-Rock said in a bad imitation-Cuban accent, "Say hello to my little friend!" He then proceeded to fill Stryfe with more ordnance than was used in both Timothy Dalton-James Bond movies _combined._ Fortunately for Stryfe, his armor stopped most of the shells. Unfortunately for Stryfe, one of J-Rock's rounds found the chink in his armor made by P-Chan. Blood spewed out as Stryfe hit the ground to twitch. J-Rock converted the Bahamode back into a motorcycle as Smoke displaced in. Smoke's head turned to regard the fallen BLF leader, who lay on the ground, the wound making a slurping noise. Smoke then raised a finger and said in a mock instructional tone: "B-bite me, assmunch," was Stryfe's only reply. Smoke kicked him in the face before moving on his way. P-Chan took her turn to taunt Stryfe. From under her right shirt-sleeve, a single blade snapped out. She kneeled and played it around Stryfe's crotch, yelling "Bobbit Weave! Bobbit Weave!" "I wonder where you learned that, P-Chan," J-Rock called out. P-Chan only responded with a conspiratorial wink and an infuriating smirk. She then turned back to regard Stryfe's horrified expression. "Oh, don't take it so hard. It's not like you ever used it.." She reared back her fist and brought it back down, making Stryfe close his eyes and grit his teeth.. **************************************************************************** Stryfe opened his eyes experimentally. The fact that he wasn't in any more pain that he was now should have clued him in, but he needed to see for himself. P-Chan's blade was imbedded in the pavement, a fraction of an inch from his nether regions. "I missed," P-Chan said with a fake shocked expression. "I MISSED! I _never_ miss! They must have been smaller than I thought." Stryfe rolled his eyes as he groaned some more. P-Chan noticed a puddle expanding from underneath the armor's codpiece. It wasn't blood, no, this had the faint smell of ammonia. And then recognition hit her like a 16-ton wrecking ball, followed immediately by revulsion. "Ewww. I can't stand a grown man wetting himself," she said as she got up and let J-Rock have the floor. J-Rock told Stryfe, "You know, this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't blatantly stolen other people's FAQs, cribbed from G.I. Joe, became a Wyrm-Minion, and acted like a munchkin git in general. You have only yourself to blame." "Fuck you," Stryfe articulately replied. "No, thank you, I have a headache and good taste," J-Rock retorted. Anatomically speaking, the only one here who could oblige you is P-Chan, but I don't think she dates outside her species." "You got that right," P-Chan said. J-Rock drew Da Sawblade and pointed it down over Stryfe's chest. "HAND, shitbag," he said as he finished Stryfe off with a single thrust to his heart. Dan Wood ventured, "Fatality." **************************************************************************** EPILOGUE The group was relaxing around coffee, tea, JOLT, and plenty of UnHellthy Snacks (tm). "Man, am I glad we don't have to deal with the BLF anymore," Sebastian said. "How did it go on your end, Lieutenant Commander?" Dow replied from the depths of a JOLT milkshake, "We only lost two tanks to their everything. All in all, it was our deployment that won us the battle. The battle itself was merely the endgame." "Answer me one question, Admiral," P-Chan asked J-Rock. "What did you mean when you said 'HAND, shitbag'?" "The 'HAND' part means 'Have A Nice Day.' It's just something I heard long ago and have always wanted to say," J-Rock answered. "But still, Stryfe IS dead, and--" "I wouldn't be so sure of that, Admiral." Diana's voice rang out across the bivouac tent. "Stryfe has four eyes and two heads. Remember that." "If you're saying what I think you're saying.." J-Rock began. "I am," Diana answered. J-Rock visibly darkened. "Then this is only the beginning..." TO BE CONTINUED IN "STRYFEQUEST"...............