Article: 5069 of alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die From: Jesse.Taylor@launchpad.unc.edu (Jesse Taylor) Newsgroups: alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die,alt.tv.barney,alt.exploding.barney Subject: The Barney Hunters, Episode Three Date: 30 Jan 1994 05:30:44 GMT Organization: University of North Carolina Extended Bulletin Board Service Lines: 231 Distribution: world Message-ID: <2ifgm4$5on@samba.oit.unc.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: lambada.oit.unc.edu THE BARNEY HUNTERS [--------------------] In our last episode, the SpongeArmy of Barney, led by Carl Klemmer himself, located and attacked the secret headquarters of the Barney Hunters. Spongeminions died right and left as Carl penetrated the defenses of the HQ, only to be blown to smithereens at the hands of Roger, who destroyed his battlesuit rather than be captured. Drake held off the elite SpongeGuards while David and Doc packed up the supplies and data that the Barney Hunters had gathered thus far, but was killed after he charged a unit of pongeGuards rather than face the effects of being hit with a Purple Load(tm). Meanwhile, the Sponge Minions plotted. Episode Three The Barneyslayer streaked along the ground, stealth suites juiced to the max. Retrothrusters suddenly fired, slamming the aircraft to a sudden stop in midair. It dropped straight down on vectored thrust, and the ground opened to accept it... Jihad Outpost Circle-K, Somewhere in the Appalachians. "Spec-4 Walker reporting, sir!", David said, saluting the Jihaddi who met he and Doc as they disembarked the Barneyslayer. "You have the data?", the Jihaddi Sergeant asked, returning the salute. Doc nodded, and hefted a small optical data-storage device. "Come this way, command is waiting for your report." Barney Hunter Safehouse, Mega-City One "Aha!", I shouted, "Excellent!" "What?", Kathy asked, "What'd you find?" "A couple old Scout armorsuits! I *knew* I put them somewhere... Now, at least, we can fight our way out if the situation gets too bad..." Jihad Outpost Circle-K "Report, Special Agent Doc." Doc and David were in the communications room, regarding a massive holographic projection of the Jihad Leader. "We have here all the data we have gathered during our two-month mission in Mega-City One, as well as all the information we got on the Spongeminions' new weapons." "We're receiving it here, now... Hm. This confirms our suspicions.." "Suspicions, sir?", Doc asked. "Yes, the Spongeminions have outfitted two full divisions of troops in the last two months - all with cutting-edge hardware. Our forces are spread thin across all of the East Coast, and they are beginning to threaten the Midwest as well. Yet we have no idea where they are producing all this equipment... Lt. Bull!" "Sir!", one of the Jihaddi in the room shouted, saluting sharply. "You command the Second Squad of the Barney Hunters, correct." "Yes, Sir!" "You are to include the two surviving First Squad members into the Second Squad, and await orders and a Special Force unit from headquarters..." "Err... Yes, sir!" Outside the Barney Hunter Safehouse, Mega-City One. "Are you sure this is the place?", Lt. Byrd, commander of a squad of Sponge Troopers, asked his Headquarters attaché'. "Yessir! The captured Jihaddi told us that this was one of their safe- houses, in case their cover was blown. We should check it out." "Right. For Barney!", Byrd shouted, running up the stairs. He aimed a kick at the door, meaning to kick it down. Instead, his foot, and, indeed, most of his leg, went through the door, leaving him stuck in a very compromising position. "Arg! Stop laughing and help me!!" "These guys are idiots..", I muttered, listening to the Spongetroopers trying to free their leader from the door. "Do you remember how to work the weapons systems?" "Y-yes, I think so...", Kathy gulped. There was a quiet whine as our weapons loaded and armed. "For Barney!", the Spongetroopers outside yelled, again, throwing themselves against the door. The first few, an officer and a couple troopers, knocked the door completely off its' hinges, and fell on top of it. They were promptly trampled by their compatriots, who poured into the house. "Hot damn.", I said, as the entire squad stopped in the hall in front of us, staring at our guns. "G-get them!", the officer said, staggering to his feet. Kathy jumped the gun a bit, and emptied a couple hundred rounds from her AK-97 into the first two Spongetroopers. "RUN AWAY!", they screamed, trampling their officer again on the way out. "Ow.", Lt. Byrd groaned, "It's so hard to (ow!) find good help these dayssss....." Jihad Outpost Circle-K, several hours later. "Ok, you two, I run my squad different from that wimp you had as a leader before...", Lt. Bull growled, "You follow my orders to the *letter*, got it?!" "Er.. Yah.", David said. "Yah *what*?!" "Yah, sir." "Grr.", Bull growled. "Incoming transport, sir!", Bull's Commo officer called out. "It's the Special Unit from Headquarters." "Hmph.", Bull hmph'd at David. "SP4 Walker, getcher butt over wit' the rest of the squad. NOW!" "Yessir!" Bull stomped out towards the landing bay. A small transport craft was now vectoring in for a landing. It's markings identified it as begin from something called 'Healthy, Fun, Snacks, Inc.' The transport landed, and a figure leaped out of the hatch as soon as it opened. "General Abbe with orders from headquarters." "Sir!", Bull saluted. His squad, plus David and Doc, fell in behind him. "Because of setbacks to our forces, we want you to do an attack run on the Tower itself, the center of the Sponge-minions' command structure.", the General said. "How the heck are we going to get in there?", one of the squaddies called out, "That's the most heavily defended installation on the continent!" "Every week there is a shipment of Ben Gay to the tower, destined for the High Priest of Barney himself, Gerry S. Our agents will remove the normal pilot and crew of the transport craft, and you will take their places. You will smuggle the Special Forces unit into the Tower, and then make your way to the Command Center. We need you to get into their computer and download as much information as you can about their military forces and installations. Meanwhile, the Special Forces Unit will make their way to the Throne Room and eliminate Gerry. You will rendezvous at the transport when your missions are completed and return to base. Understood?" "Sir!" "Here's Lt. Skelton, commander of the Special Forces Unit, the Okanagan Anti-B'Harne SamuariNinja Death Squad Unit. And... Special Agent Windigo..." "No!", Bull said, "Not Wendigo!!!" "Lead me to the @#$&'ing SM bastards!", Windigo shouted, disembarking the transport with the Special Unit. Unlike them, she was unarmed, but she looked more menacing than any of them. "Not Windigo!!", Doc said, "Not the Special Agent who firebombed that room in Headquarters where they were trying to rehabilitate Spongeminions!" "Hey!", Windigo growled, "Once a s-m bastard, always an s-m bastard! They deserved to die!!" "Not the Special Agent who set off a tac-nuke during the Annual Hail to Barney parade in Mega-City Two!!" "Heh.", Windigo grinned, "That one was kinda fun, actually..." "Look at it this way..", David said, "At least they didn't send us the Dirty Pair..." "True." Outside the Barney Hunter Safehouse, Mega-City One "Watch it!", I shouted. Kathy turned just in time to spot - and shoot - a Spongetrooper. The spongesoldiers had come pouring in after their advance squad located us in the safe-house. I put a couple dozen rounds into another sponger, and turned back to see how Kathy was doing. "I've got a jam!", she yelled. "Er... That's not the kind of thing you want to announce...", I shouted back, "Bang the '97 against something, that usually clears it out!" "Help!", she replied, as a couple dozen Spongetroopers leaped on her, trying to restrain her. "Get....off....of....ME!" I was knocked backwards by some kind of explosion - I must've hit my head on something, because all those troopers just...disintegrated... Blown outwards by a blast of force. Kathy's armor was gone, blown apart along with them. "What the fuck?", I managed. "Behind you!", Kathy yelled. I felt something pass by me, and turned to see a SpongeMech explode into flames. "How?", I gulped, "How did you...do that?" "I have no idea...", Kathy said, peering around at the destruction, shocked. Bits of spongetrooper littered the street. I had a witty line planned, but I never got to say it - something hit me hard from behind. I heard Kathy cry out, and then everything went dark... NEXT EPISODE - THE TOWER!! -- The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, the Campus Office for Information Technology, or the Experimental Bulletin Board Service. internet: laUNChpad.unc.edu or 152.2.22.80