Article: 5068 of alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die From: Jesse.Taylor@launchpad.unc.edu (Jesse Taylor) Newsgroups: alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die,alt.tv.barney,alt.exploding.barney Subject: The Barney Hunters, Episode Two Date: 30 Jan 1994 04:45:56 GMT Organization: University of North Carolina Extended Bulletin Board Service Lines: 298 Distribution: world Message-ID: <2ife24$57r@samba.oit.unc.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: lambada.oit.unc.edu THE BARNEY HUNTERS EPISODE TWO A Tale of High Technology and Purple Dinosaurs IN THE LAST EPISODE... Seeking information on a new unit being fielded by the SpongeMinions of BarneyCo, the Barney Hunters blow away some BarneyPriests, and then confront four BarneyMechs. They destroy one and escape, but one of their number is captured. The leader of the Barney Hunters goes around MegaCity One to try and find out about the latest plans of BarneyCo, and runs into a rebel defacing Barney posters. He rescues her, and learns that BarneyCo is holding the captured member of the Barney Hunters in 'The Tower', their headquarters... [An Authorial note to the Jihaddi who volunteered to be featured in the story - don't worry, I haven't forgotten any of you, you'll get in next episode...] "The Tower", Headquarters of BarneyCo. "Here she comes.", Michael chuckled, "Time for the act." "Hello, little girl!", Gerry grumbled, his armor's voice modulators turning his voice cheerful and bubbly. "Hi!", Shannon beamed. "Are you Barney's friend, little girl?" "Yes!", Shannon said, emphatically. "The question, you idiot...", Carl hissed. "Would you do anything for Barney?", Gerry asked. "Yes!" "Tell us where your friends, the Barney Hunters are." "I...", Shannon started. She shuddered, and clenched her fists. "I..." "They're bad people, and they don't like Barney...Why don't you tell us where they are, so we can teach them about Barney's Love?", Michael crooned. Shannon scrunched her eyes closed as she fought the chemical conditioning the SpongeMinions had given her. "If you don't tell Barney where these bad people are, you obviously don't love Barney.", Gerry said. "No! Please...don't make me tell you... I..." Carl glared at Michael, who administered another dose of Purple Love Drug. "AAaaagggh!" Shannon dropped to her knees in front of Gerry. "If you don't follow Barney's orders, you're a bad person, and bad people get punished...", Carl growled. "I'll tell you!! Please don't punish me!!", Shannon said, her eyes glazing over. "Excellent...", Gerry said. His armor translated this as 'Stuuuuuupendous!'. On the Streets of Mega-City One... "Come on!", I yelled, running as fast as I could back towards the entrance to the underground bunker that housed the Barney Hunters. "If Shannon's alive, we've got to help her!" "Me?!", Kathy replied, running alongside me. "But - I don't know how to fight!" "I didn't mean you, I meant the rest of the team... Oh, shit." I skidded to a stop. Two SpongeMecha had just stepped up to the Barney paraphernalia store that served as our cover. I looked up to see four transport helicopters - their markings identified them as being from the Fourth Holy Purple Regiment. "They must have forced Shannon to give them the location of our base...", I said. "Looks like they're not playing games this time - they've got a full air mobile battalion of the SpongeArmy. This is not good..." Inside the Anti-Barney Operations Command Center... "We've got intruders!", Drake yelled, running into the ready room. Roger and David leaped up and hurried to the battlesuit rack, beginning to suit up. Doc turned from the research terminal to the internal defenses center. "They won't get far.", Doc said, keying the various defense systems into activation. The Entrance to the ABOCC. The first wave of SpongeSoldiers advanced down the hallway. Their uniforms were stiffly starched and extremely purple. Their helmets looked like Barney's head, but contained advanced targeting equipment, gas filters, and a small TV which constantly broadcast mind-numbing Barney videos as a pain-killer. The first three paused, sensing something wrong. A set of Teflon-tipped spears shot from the wall, skewering the three. A blast door slid down behind the squad, sealing them in. The defense systems activated, and various chain saws, vibroblades, force-swords, and weed-whackers slid from secret compartments to attack the SpongeTroops. The minions of Barney put up a gallant, if somewhat pointless, defense, as they were attacked from every angle. In a period of minutes, they were completely eliminated. Coming down another passage, the second squad of the First Airborne Battalion, Fourth Purple Regiment was stopped at another blast door. As they began setting up an ElectroMag bazooka to take it out, another blast door slid down, sealing them in. They paused for a minute as they waited for command central to update their orders, but when the two blast doors began to slide towards each other, crushing the SpongeTroopers between them, they panicked. One hoisted the bazooka and tried to fire it, but the mind-numbing broadcasts of Barney on his helmet-monitor blinded him to the fact that he was pointing it at his own comrades. The blast wiped the squad out to the man, and sealed the blast doors permanently. Down the last passage came Carl Klemmer himself, in full BarneyArmor, surrounded by his squad of elite bodyguards, in BabyBop-Armor. "Take out that door!", he growled. One of the SpongeMinions strode forward, and was cut in half by a laser blast. Carl looked to his left, in time to see an identical blast hit him in the head. His face plate polarized, saving his eyes, and the blast weakened, but did not penetrate his heavy armor. "Use your SoniCannons!", he shouted to his minions. The sickening sounds of 'I luv you, you luv me...' echoed through the hall, until finally the blast door was shattered by the sound. The three SpongeGuards who advanced through it immediately dropped into a pit. Carl peered over the edge, to see them impaled on spikes. He motioned for another of his SpongeGuards to leap over the pit. The Minion did, and was immediately Ginsu'd by a set of monomolecular Cords strung across the hallway on the other side of the pit. "ARRRG!", Carl screamed with rage. He produced an energy sword, and leaped across himself, hacking down the cords before they could damage him. He waved his remaining SpongeGuards forward. As the group pressed deeper into the stronghold, three more Guards fell to booby traps, but finally Carl emerged into the command center itself. "SHOW YOURSELVES!", he screamed. The nearest SpongeGuard shrugged and dropped his pants. "No, you IDIOT! I was talking to the enemy." "Whups!" >Find us yourselves!<, came a voice from a wall-speaker. One of the SpongeGuards blew the speaker away with his SoniCannon. "Spread out! Find them! KILL THEM FOR BARNEY!!", Carl roared. His squad separated, until he was left alone in the command center. "Well, hello Carl.", a voice said from behind him. Carl whirled, to confront Roger, in a Terminator suit. Carl unslung his SoniCannon, only to have it blasted from his hands by a burst of 7.62mm shells from Roger's minigun. Carl leaped forward, his armor's spring-loaded legs propelling him into Roger before he could dodge. The two struggled for a moment, before Carl clamped his BarneySuit's massive jaws down on Roger's left shoulder. Titanium claws scrabbled at Roger's armor. Roger produced a VibroBlade, and slammed it into Carl's gut. Carl doubled over, releasing his grip on Roger's shoulder. Ignoring Carl for a moment, Roger peered at his crushed shoulder. "No pain, no gain.", he quipped, brandishing his sword one-handed and advancing on Carl. At the last minute, Carl activated his Force-Sword, and, trying something new, threw it. The blade removed Roger's left arm, and scythed through his chest. "That'll...hrrk...teach you...(cough)...to fight the Servants of the (choke) all-Powerful (retch) Barney...", Carl gasped, hauling himself to his feet. Blood soaked the floor in the command center. "Die, you bastard!", Roger replied, producing a demolition charge. Carl barely had time to realize his armor probably couldn't withstand such a blast before the explosion blew apart the command center... Hanger, ABOCC... "Come on, get this damn thing loaded!", Drake yelled. David and Doc were frantically loading crates of equipment into the Barney Hunters' airplane, the Barneyslayer. "Roger'll hold those bastards off as long as he can, but he can't hold 'em forever!" "DRAKE! Behind you!!", Doc yelled suddenly. Drake whirled to confront a pair of SpongeGuards who stepped into the hangar. Two short bursts of minigun fire later, they were no more. "Damn! Now they know where we are...", Drake muttered, checking his ammo load. "Hurry up, guys!" "For Barney!", another four SpongeGuards shouted, charging from the entrance. Drake concentrated fire on one at a time, but they only got a couple dozen feet from the door before they went down. Drake could see more massing in the doorway, however. "We're running out of time!", he yelled, as a dozen SpongeGuards charged forward. "We're done!", Doc yelled, racing up a ladder to the cockpit of the Barneyslayer. "Just let me start the engines..." "DIE, you FUCKING SPONGEMINIONS!", Drake yelled, as the SpongeGuards began taking cover and returning fire. Something struck him in the leg, and he looked down to see one of the 'Love Loads', like the one that had struck Shannon. "No way I'm gonna be turned into a Barney-lover!! DEATH OR GLORY!!", he screamed, charging the SpongeGuards and pouring fire into their positions. He struggled forward through SoniCannon fire, downing ten more SpongeGuards, before he was finally killed. "DRAKE!", David yelled, as the cargo bay doors closed, sealing the battle outside the Barneyslayer out. "Activate the weapons and cut us a path through these bastards!", Doc shouted. David heard the engines rev, and the Barneyslayer lurched into the air. He found the rear gunner's seat, and triggered the twin-mounted rear autocannons, blowing apart those SpongeGuards who poked their heads out of cover. In the front, Doc sighted a pair of AAMs on one of the SpongeCopters, blowing it apart. The Barneyslayer shook from machine-gun fire from the SpongeSoldiers below, but it's armor withstood the attack, and it roared away from the battle. A Barney Hunter Safe House, MegaCity One... "Damn..", I said, peering at a computer monitor displaying the security camera reports of the battle in the ABOCC. "We lost Roger and Drake - the first squad's toast..." "Then what're we going to do?!", Kathy shouted, "You say they've got a source on the inside, and they're going to find us and think I'm with you and omigod whatarewegoingtodo?!" "Hm.", I said, peering at the cabinet on the wall with 'Open in case of Emergencies' written on it. On impulse, I smashed it open, and... twinkies poured out... "Oh, *great*...", Kathy muttered, "We're in deep trouble, and you think about eating..." "You're wrong - unhealthy snacks are the best way to banish Spongeminions...", I replied. "I just wanted to see what was in there, anyway... We'll make contact with the Second Squad, and then go from there..." The Tower... "We lost Carl?!", Gerry yelled, amazed. "We scraped up the bits, but I think he's done for...", Michael replied, "He should have remembered his safety tips.." Gerry yelled something incoherent and bapped Michael with a baseball bat. "There's no need to get violent!", Michael protested, "I..ow!... have... YOW!... the intelligence... OUCH!... reports from our... owwww!... experts on the... HELP!... base!" "Hm.", Gerry said, pausing, "What did they find out?" "The base was quite well fortified, a full company of our elite Purple Guards died taking it. The Enemies of the Purple One set off demolition charges to destroy the equipment they left behind, but we were able to recover an extremely outdated deployment report... The Jihaddi have enough military resources to possibly overrun the entire Fourth Regiment!" "Whaaaat?!", Gerry said, smacking Michael with the bat again, "Why did I not hear of this before?!" "Ow! We, we didn't know, Oh Loving One!" "Hrrrh...", Gerry grumbled. "Very well, alert Herr Honorable to prepare his division for moving to protect the Tower and our military-industrial complex! And find those Jihaddi!!" TUNE IN NEXT WEEK AS THE BARNEY HUNTERS PREPARE FOR A COUNTERATTACK, IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF.... THE BARNEY HUNTERS!! -- The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, the Campus Office for Information Technology, or the Experimental Bulletin Board Service. internet: laUNChpad.unc.edu or 152.2.22.80