Article: 4852 of alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die From: Jesse.Taylor@launchpad.unc.edu (Jesse Taylor) Newsgroups: alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die,alt.tv.barney,alt.exploding.barney Subject: The Barney Hunters, Episode One Date: 24 Jan 1994 20:33:23 GMT Organization: University of North Carolina Extended Bulletin Board Service Lines: 310 Distribution: world Message-ID: <2i1baj$d92@samba.oit.unc.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: lambada.oit.unc.edu Summary: story, fiction, Barney, death, mecha Keywords: story, fiction,barney, death, mecha Status: OR In the shadows of the future, a future where Barney somehow triumphed, a future devoid of imagination, of free will, where all serve the will of the Purple Fiend, Barney... Still, resistance continues.... a special, limited feature an Admiralty, Ninc. Production an East Coast Anti-Barney League Film THE BARNEY HUNTERS [--------------------] AD 2018 Mega-City One The streets of Mega-City One were crowded with people going quietly to and from their jobs. Wage slaves, every one of 'em. Ever since BarneyCo took over the industrial sector, there were plenty of crappy little low-wage jobs, to be sure, but... producing Barney dolls, toys, and clothing items?! I'd die before I'd take one of those jobs! Me and the squad were perched atop a couple buildings in the Commercial sector. I was on Shallwe, Cheatum, and Howe, you know, that law firm the Barney priests closed down a couple weeks ago... Well, so I guess that the SpongeMinions aren't *totally* bad. But still, it was time to kick some Barney-loving ass. Down below us were some Barney priests 'entertaining' some kiddies. Entertaining, my ass! They were filling the kids' minds with pablum, turning them into 'responsible citizens'. That's what's wrong with the world these days - everyone's a 'responsible citizen'. Guess those bastards forgot it's the rebels, the fringe guys that make most of the progress in the world. There hadn't been a major scientific breakthrough in God knew how long... Ah, enough exposition. I waved to Roger and Drake, signaling them to begin their run. They were using our new Terminator battlesuits - we'd beefed up the armor and the firepower. The priests looked up at the last minute, before streams of 7.62x52 mil' ammo from Drake's minigun tore 'em apart. I saw some spongeminion step out of the local Barney chapel to see what was going on. Shithead had on one of those damn full-body Barney suits. I sighted on the bulbous gut of his costume, then fired an explosive shell from my 'lectromag cannon. Sure, it was overkill, but they'd be sweepin' the bits off of the inside of the chapel for days to come. "What now?", Drake asked as I landed next to him on vectored thrust from my Tornado's jets. Shannon and David covered the approaches to our position. The crowds were gone, as if by magic. "We wait.", I answered, "We need intel footage on the new Barney-Cops BarneyCo is fielding... Doc, you readin' this on your camera drone?" >Crystal clear reception..<, Doc responded over the comm-link. >The SpongeMechs should be nearing your position soon...< "Somethin' big on the magnetic sensor.", Roger said, checking the load on his minigun. "You *sure* we wanna do this?" "Ever read Sun Tzu? Know what your enemy can do, and you can fight a hundred battles and not lose." "Just remember that we *don't* know what the enemy can do, this time...", Shannon scolded. She was wearin' one of our older Scout suits. Less armor, but she thought it was more maneuverable. Hey, to each their own, yah? "Mother of God!", Drake exclaimed. Something *really* big was coming around the corner. No, two of 'em. Huge, horribly beweaponed, and... *purple*!! [Surrender!], they chorused, [Barney loves you! Surrender and you will not be harmed!] "BITE ME!", I yelled (my favorite battle cry), "WASTE 'EM, GUYS!!" I smiled as I saw the 7.62 shells bite into the purple padding of the Barney-Cops... And bounce off heavy armor underneath. Uh oh. "Spread out!", Roger shouted, "Use your ElectroMag Cannons!" Roger and Drake continued to pound on the SpongeMechs with their miniguns, to little effect, while me and David loaded our 'lectroMag cannons. "Explosive/Incendiary shells - aim for the heat vents.", I said. Dave nodded, and we fired at the advancing SpongeMechs. The lead one paused, then staggered back as twin explosions sealed it's heat vents. It's padding caught fire, and it flailed around, then exploded as it's power plant overheated. "Yes!", Shannon yelled. The second 'Mech didn't wait for us to take it out to. An odd-looking cannon dropped from it's groin, and pointed at me. I dived out of the way, shouting a warning to the rest of the squad. Purple shells began impacting all around us. As each one hit the ground, it let out a puff of gas. "Chemical weapons!", I yelled, "Activate gas filters!!" "Two contacts on radar!", Roger shouted, as he continued pouring fire into the SpongeMech. "Plus two more SpongeMechs on the magnetoscope! We're about to be cut off!" "Fall back, everyone!", I shouted. Shannon, Roger, and Drake triggered their backpack jets as David and I reloaded our Cannons. The Barney-Cop raised it's groin-cannon skyward, and fired off another burst. I heard Shannon scream, and turned just in time to see her slam into the street a couple hundred meters away. "We've gotta get out of here!", David shouted at me. A pair of SpongeMechs stepped out of a side street practically next to Shannon - no way we could fight through to her. "Let's fly!", I said, firing off a parting shot at one of the SpongeCopters that tried to block our escape. It exploded nicely, and it's companion turned away to avoid David's fire. "We'll be back!", David shouted back at the SpongeMechs, which stood over Shannon's fallen battlesuit. ABOUT AN HOUR LATER, IN THE SECRET ANTI-BARNEY OPERATIONS COMMAND CENTER. "Dammit!", Roger said, "We should have gone back to get her!" "It took all we had just to take out one of those SpongeMechs - those BarneyCo R&D people have turned out a doozy this time. I don't think we could take on three of them, plus those SpongeCopters." "She had to have been dead, what with those chemical charges they were using...", David said quietly. "There was nothing we could have done." "Yes, the chemical charges...", Doc said, "I don't know what they were, but I think the BarneyCo SpongeHeads may have come up with a way of circumventing the immunity problem." "Immunity problem?" "Ah, yes. I've been working on why none of us were turned into Barney-loving citizens along with the rest of humanity. I've done a few tests, and all of us have a gene, which none of the BarneyCitizens have, which apparently made us immune to the chemicals they used to subjugate everyone in 1995. If they've found a way around that..." "Then we're screwed, right?", I said. "Right." "Doc, see if you can find out where they're making this shit. Roger, Drake, I want you to refit the Terminator suits with Electromag Cannons, looks like that's the only weapon that'll hurt these SpongeMechs. David, see what you can find out in the computer net." "Right.", everyone chorused. "I think I'll go topside and see if I can find out anything..." TWENTY MINUTES LATER, IN THE STREETS OF MEGA-CITY ONE... I was pretty heavily disguised. Nobody knew if the SpongeMinions knew what the Barney Hunters looked like, but we didn't want to take chances. I must admit, my old grumpy man disguise must have been pretty convincing, because the BarneyCitizens kept telling me to cheer up. You can guess my response... "Fuck you." Damn, but the look on their faces was great. Cursing was a social aberration, Barney said so, and Barney must be right.. Bwahaha! Passing by Tripe, Pablum, and Bull, a Barney PR center, I saw trouble. A couple Stage One BarneyCops - just guys in Kevlar Barney costumes with stun-sticks - were harassing an aberrant who had apparently spray-painted 'Barney is the AntiChrist' on one of the 'Love Barney!' posters that adorned this area. "Come on, Citizen, I think you need to go to the Psych/Rehab center...", one of them was saying. "Whatever happened to the First Amendment?!", the aberrant shouted, "Getcher hands off me, asshole!" Oooh, a history buff. I liked her already. The BarneyCops looked confused. And well they should. BarneyCo-sponsored Congressmen repealed all the amendments to the constitution in 1995, and the document itself in 1996. The government was replaced by the BarneyCo board of directors shortly thereafter. "Excuse me, SpongeMinions.", I said. One of them turned, and caught a right hook in the center of that fucking purple mask he was wearing. He staggered back, and I grabbed his stun-stick and clocked the other BarneyCop right in the head. "Wow.", the aberrant said, "Thanks!" "Think nothing of it - we'd better get out of here, though.", I replied, spotting a BarneyPriest shouting something into a cellular phone. I grabbed the aberrant's hand and pulled her after me into an alley, which was annoyingly clean. What the hell ever happened to garbage in the alley, like in the old days? We came out the other side, and promptly began looking inconspicuous. "What's your name?", I asked casually. "Kathy. Kathy Morgan." "So, what's a Barney-Hater like you doing in a nice part of town like this?" "My parents kicked me out because I burned their Barney cds... I swear, if I had heard that stupid song one more time, I would have gone insane!! I just stole a can of black spray-paint from the Barney-Mart and started changing the messages on those damn 'Love Barney' posters, and then those two SpongeMinions tried to arrest me..." "Have you read the Purple Book today?", a Barney Priest asked us, "Barney loves you! Do you love Barney?" Kathy and I looked at each other, then at the SpongeMinion Priest. "Piss off!", we chorused. The priest looked stunned, and we brushed past him. "So, what's your name?", Kathy asked, after we had gotten a safe distance from the priest. "Most people call me the Jester...", I said, leaning close, "I'm with the Underground - the Barney Hunters..." Kathy's eyes bugged out. "Intense!", she exclaimed, "Were you the guys who fought those SpongeMechs in the Commercial District earlier today?" I looked around nervously. "Err... yeah." "The BarneyCops took your friend to the Tower." "WHAT?!" THE TOWER, BarneyCo HEADQUARTERS... Gerry, High Priest of the Purple One, and C.E.O. of BarneyCo, shifted uncomfortably on his Purple Throne. His Barney costume was stifling, and his butt was extremely sore. Even worse, the medics were out of Ben Gay. "When is the next shipment due in?!", he practically screamed at one of the SpongeMinions who constantly attended him. "Not for an hour, oh Great Purple One.", Steven Maliszewski, his chief Attendant and speech-writer, replied. Gerry cursed and began pacing the confines of his throne room. He paused at the window of the Tower, and peered out at the massive megalopolis below him. "Peons...", he chuckled, "All of you... Blindly obedient to my every desire..." The throne room's massive door opened, to reveal Carl Klemmer, Gerry's adjutant-general, and 'Micheal', the head of the BarneyCo R&D division. "Gerry!", Carl shouted. "Carl!" "Barney Loves You!", they chorused, the ritual greeting of the Barney priesthood. "What is the status report of your campaign against the Barney Hunters?" "Our new BarneyMecha battled them in the Commercial district.", Carl said. "They were able to destroy one of the Mecha, and a BarneyCopter, but we captured one of them." "So?", Gerry replied, annoyed, "You know that these fools who crusade against the Great and Loving Barney are quite resistant to our interrogations..." "We have a new angle.", Micheal said, grinning evilly, "You have heard of my research on the 'Love Loads', right?" "Y-e-s..." "We fitted the BarneyMecha with a Love Load cannon in the groinial hard-point, and it *worked*!! Not only have we captured one of the Barney Hunters, but we were able to completely indoctrinate her in the Religion of Barney!" "Excellent..", Gerry said, impressed, "Bring her here..." "She will tell us where the Barney Hunters' headquarters is...", Carl growled, "And then I will *kill* them..." STAY TUNED FOR MORE CHAOS, DESTRUCTION, AND BARNEY-SLAYING ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF.. THE BARNEY HUNTERS! TECHNICAL DEFINITIONS BATTLESUIT: Watch Bubblegum Crisis or something like that. A Battlesuit is a suit of armor with built-in weapons and other systems designed to increase the wearer's effectiveness in combat. BARNEY HUNTER BATTLESUITS: SCOUT: Original battlesuit. Armed with AK-97 field rifle with belt-fed ammunition. Lightly armored but extremely fast and maneuverable. TORNADO: Generation Two battlesuit. Armed with ElectroMagnetic Cannon that fires a variety of heavy shells. Durasteel armor provides adequate protection against all but heavy weapons. TERMINATOR: Generation Three battlesuit. Smaller than others, but Titanium Hyperalloy armor is strongest of the three. Weapon is 7.62mm arm-mounted minigun. BARNEY-COPS: STAGE ONE: Beat police in Kevlar Barney costumes wielding stun-sticks. BARNEYMECHA: Heavy (>20tons) combat robot with a variety of weapons systems. Covered in purple padding, so vulnerable to fire. "Love Loads": Chemical Ammunition designed on the BarneyChemicals dispensed to humanity in 1995, but superior, in that it will affect anyone. Direct hit is necessary, though. BARNEY: Extremely annoying dinosaur that most agree deserves to be shot. Revered as a God in 2018. DISCLAIMER: Barney is a trademark of somebody (I didn't bother to check), but I don't particularly care. I hope to God this doesn't have any semblance of real-life events, either now or in the future. Names of the SpongeMinions are used without the consent of the persons so named, however, since this is a work of fiction, nobody cares. Names of the Barney Hunters are totally made up off the top of my head, and are not necessarily the names of the members of the East Coast Anti-Barney League. Any Jihadii wishing to be featured in the next episode of the Barney Hunters should email me at Jesse.Taylor@bbs.oit.unc.edu Flames will be responded to in kind. Attempting to hack my account will be responded to by me showing up at your house with an AK-47 (and I'm serious about this one, chummers). Actual, well-thought-out replies will be appreciated. Likewise, criticism is appreciated. Respect the Freedom to Hold an Opinion! [Disclaimer #2 - The University of North Carolina's Office For Information Technology does not necessarily publicly share my opinions, but 95% of those polled said that Barney should be shot on sight.] Jesse.Taylor@bbs.oit.unc.edu -- The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, the Campus Office for Information Technology, or the Experimental Bulletin Board Service. internet: laUNChpad.unc.edu or 152.2.22.80