======================= Planet BBB-666 ======================= As Galand stared out the forward viewport of the _Wraith_ at the mottled sky of hyperspace, he thought back to the events of the past few weeks. Learning of the Apocalypse Device, putting together the mission, and nearly losing Creation itself in the catastrophe that followed. His death, and then his sudden reincarnation. His revelation that he was a Q, or at least half-Q...it all flowed together into a sequence of events that even he had trouble understanding, and it had *happened* to him. He also wondered about the strange feeling that all was not right with the Universe still...a feeling which was supported by Arsenal's report of a *second* Pink Ranger on Earth. He thought about his nightmares, many of which he thankfully didn't remember clearly, and what they might signify. It could be nothing, he kept telling himself. Still, he had had precognitive dreams before...and many of them turned out to be letter-perfect-true. The insistent bleep of the navicomputer stirred him from his reverie. Watching the timer tick its way down to zero, Galand put a hand on the hyperdrive control lever. When the timer struck zero, he pushed forward on the lever, and the mindboggling patterns of hyperspace gave way to starlines, which quickly shrank back into the familiar pinpoints of light. The sensor panel gave a sharp warning PING as the two Barnoid fighters shot into normalspace behind him. He looked back at them in the rear viewscreen and wondered what they thought of his sudden departure...he also wondered if he even cared. Just to be safe, he powered up the shields and kept the weapons on standby. Below him, spun a world that should not have existed. It wasn't on any chart, not on any map. It shouldn't even have been able to hold itself together. According to the sensor sweep, it was made entirely of 50% cotton, 50% polyester, and lots of plush stuffing. It was also purple, which increased its inherent charms to no end (BARF!). "Jihad Vessel, you are cleared to land on Pad 5 in Barneyopolis. Please follow your assigned course. Be prepared to surrender your weapons upon arrival, you cute little Jihaddi you!" Keying the comm switch, Galand responded: "Will do, Will do, and fuck you. Number One: I'm not giving up my weapons in the middle of Spongeville, and Number TWO: I may be many things, but I am most definitely *NOT* cute. Also, if your boys make any moves against me or my ship, they will quickly become a red mist in the breeze, got it? I came here just to find out what the snecking hell is going on, not to play your little games. We do this, it'll be on my terms. Do you copy, Barneyopolis Control?" "Uhhhhhhhh...yeah, Jihad Vessel...sure. We'll escort you to the Grand Hall of Luv upon your arrival. Your ship will be well taken care of." "Yeah. Whatever. Be advised: _Wraith_ is on final approach." And with that he kicked in the atmospheric jets and spiraled down to land. ***** The ship landed with just a minor thump and the constant whine of repulsors. Shutting down the flight systems, Galand removed a wristwatch-looking object from a panel on the wall and strapped it to his wrist. Then he got up from the pilot's seat and strode to the boarding ramp. After leaving the ship, he spotted his escort. A pair of Wyrm Minions, flanked by two BarnTroopers bearing their Guns'O'Luv, which could knock out and sponge a Tryannosaurus in two quick shots. Galand had no idea if they would work on him, and he had little inclination to find out. As the procession drew nearer, the Jihaddium sword strapped to his back began to grow hot, and steam seeped out of the scabbard. "You will come with us, Prisoner Galand. Your ship is to be impounded until such time as either you are released, or are proven guilty in which case our scientists will unlock its secrets. Do you understand?" stated the leading Wyrm Minion. "Yeah...I understand...I understand that you have a snowball's chance in hell of getting at my ship!" And with that, he keyed the security system on his watch. The Minions stared in dumbfounded amazement as the ship shimmered and waved, appeared to grow two-dimensional, and slowly shrank out of view. "Wha-What did you do with it? Is it destroyed?" the 'Minion asked, still in shock. "Nah...just secured away in an unnamed, unnumbered dimension where you'll never find it. Don't try...it has another system that'll fry anyone tampering with it. Spongies like you, " Galand paused meaningfully, threat dripping from every word. "It'll torture first." "T-T-Torture?" The minion gasped. In his sheltered little world, he had never encountered such a horrible concept. "Yeah." Galand replied with a grin. "How does a constant neural-implanted replay sequence of every single episode of _Baywatch_ followed by replays of every single episode of _James Bond JR._ sound?" ...The Minion fainted dead away. "Thought so." said Galand as he strode towards the Grand Hall of Luv. ==================== The Spongies Court ==================== Galand took up his seat behind the defense table, waving off the Minion selected to represent him. "I don't need your help, Spongie. Bugger off." He then looked over at the prosecution's desk, and glared magickally-charged Jihaddium daggers at M'Hikie C'Hrawford. "Hear ye, hear ye," the Barnoid baliff grunted in his distorted, sugary voice, "This court is now in session. The Honorable Kanga Roo presiding." Everyone in the room rose, except for Galand, who followed a noticeable pause later. Into the courtroom strode a large marsupial mammal. It *was* a kangaroo! "Brings a whole new meaning to the term 'kangaroo court.'" muttered Galand as the creature took the judge's stand. "Today's case: The People vs. Warrior Ashur Galand, member of the Jihad to destroy Barney!" The audience booed at this. Galand looked back, sweeping a blazing gaze over the crowd, and they shut up fast. "Mr. Prosecutor, you may begin." intoned the judge, sounding somewhat bored, yet anxious to condemn one of Lord Barney's greatest enemies. "Thank you, your honor!" replied M'Hikie, as he jumped up, itching to start. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I present a BAAAAAD MAN! He killed our Lord Barney in a fit of murdering-like rage, and he must be punished. Can we start the tape thingy?" "By all means," replied Judge Roo. He signaled to the bailiff, who brought in a vidscreen. The screen lit up to show the scene in the Grand Room of B'Harnii's castle in his home dimension. He was sitting there, giggling with insane glee as the Apocalyspe Device glowed and hummed behind him, ripping reality to shreds. The decapitated corpse of Galand lay behind him, and from behind it strode Galand's latest incarnation. Galand drew his DarkSword, and growled "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth..." He swung fiercely, lopping off B'harnii's plush head in one stroke. "A life for a life, and a death for a death, motherfucker." Galand stood there, heaving and covered in purplish blood, and there the image froze. M'Hikie smiled and said, "Need I say more? The prosecution rests, your honor." "Defense?" muttered Judge Roo, clearly convinced of Galand's guilt. Galand stood, and addressed the court. "Ladies, Gentlemen," he looked at the jury...all full of plush stuffed animals, given life and intelligence. Rabbits, dogs, cats, and the like, all sitting there staring with their dead plastic eyes. "Fellow sentient beings. I would like to point out the statement I made during this supposed murder of your Lord Barney. Roll tape back, please?" The decapitated corpse of Galand lay behind him, and from behind it strode Galand's latest incarnation. Galand drew his DarkSword, and growled "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth..." He swung fiercely, lopping off B'harnii's plush head in one stroke. "A life for a life, and a death for a death, motherfucker." Galand stood there, heaving and covered in purplish blood, and there the image froze. "'A life for a life, a death for a death,' I said...I believe that my actions against Barney were justified. He killed my former incarnation, therefore it fell upon my current self to avenge that misdeed." He stared at the crowd, who were moving their lips silently, trying to figure out what he had said. He sighed and continued, "He killed me, so I had to get back at him." Understanding dawned like the rising sun in their faces. "Objection, your honor!" M'Hikie cried, leaping from his seat. "It doesn't matter which incurn--incar--inkbar--life of his killed Lord Barney. The fact is that he, his current self, killed our cute and cuddly master. He must still be punished." "Sustained." The judge yawned. *Okay...* Galand thought to himself. *Try another tack.* "All right then...I submit to you that Lord Barney..." it took all he could muster to say it like that, "...is NOT dead." A rush of surprised voices and outraged cries echoed through the room. The judge, finally stirred to action, pounded his gavel until the bench began to crack from the impact. "ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT!!" M'Hikie jumped up and yelled, "I'd like a BarneyBurger with MegaFries and a Soooper-Dee-Dooper-Shake, please!" "Shut up!" responded the judge, throwing the gavel and hitting M'Hikie neatly on the head. M'Hikie went down, crying for his mommy. "May I continue? Thank you. In the past, various members of the Jihad have managed to kill the current form of the Purple One. In every case, he managed to come back at a later date to continue his mission. I submit that he is merely going through a resting period, waiting for the right time to come back...it may be taking longer since I cut his head from his body. According to legend, that's the only way to kill an immortal. With Barney, I'm sure different rules apply, but the basic concept remains the same. I didn't kill Barney...I merely put him to a much-needed nap for awhile." Straightening himself up, Galand stated, "And with that, the defense rests, your honor." "Very well...the jury will adjourn to deliberate." Judge Roo raised his recovered gavel, and was about to strike it down when a plush bunny in the jury spoke. "We've already reached a decision, Your Honor. Since Barney is coming back, and Galand here just put him to sleep, he didn't *really* kill him...We find him not guilty." "Very well...case dismissed." And the gavel came down, drowning out an outraged cry from M'Hikie. The gavel flew once more towards his noggin, and struck its target on the mark. "OWWWWW!!!!" ******* ========================= Resolution and Hyperspace ========================= As Galand strode from the Great Hall of Luv, he summoned his ship from Limbo. On the tarmac next to it, he found a Sponge-mage lying on the ground, twitching and humming the theme from _Baywatch_. "Whaddaya know...it worked!" Galand smiled to himself as he climbed the ramp and lifted the ship into space. As he left the atmosphere of BBB-666, his hull SPANGED! with the impact of laser fire. Raising the shields and juicing up the weapons, he keyed the comm unit and shouted, "HEY ASSHOLE! I was found NOT guilty!!" A Spongie voice came over the comm. "I don't care! Barney was my friend and you killed him! You'll pay for it!!!!" "Bugger off..." Galand said, and fired his afterburners, coming about and tracking the spongie's ship with his particle beam cannons. One shot, and it was over. "Bloody fraggin' mindless stupid spongie..." Galand said as he started the navicomp, setting it to calculate the hyperspatial jump back home. After a bleep from the navicomp, Galand yanked back on the lever, and the stars flared into lines, and he catapulted into hyperspace. =================================== Home again, Home again, jiggety-jog =================================== The stars shrank back to pinpoints, and Galand began the descent to WEDJEE-lab's landing bay. Galand walked back into his office, hung his cloak and sword on the coatrack by the door, and stared in disbelief at his desk. ...In the two days he had been gone, the mountain of paperwork on his desk had quadrupled in size. Samhain knocked on the doorframe, and without waiting for an answer walked inside. "Heard you had to take a little trip," he said dryly. "Yeah...it was a real joke." replied Galand. "Talk about a kangaroo court...Jeez." "Yes, well...remember what I said last time? About if you needed to talk?" "Yeah...why?" "You look like you need to talk now." Galand sighed...there was no use hiding it anymore. "I've been thinking a lot lately...and I've been having these nightmares. I don't think we've seen the last of our plush purple friend...and when he DOES come back..." "...He'll be madder than hell and out for blood." finished Samhain. The pair of them turned and looked out the window facing Carlsbad, New Mexico and sat there silently, wondering what--or who--the future held. -==- Warrior Ashur Galand, Commander-in-Chief of W.E.D.J.E.E. "Better Living thru Advanced Weaponry!" (tm) +------------------------------------------------------------------+ Warrior Ashur Galand (Doberman Empire) Deacon Sully of the Church of Blarney. Fighting for the Jihad and the Goddess against the Purple Death! Member of the Kindred Children of the Night Psionic Technomage Supreme. Prof. Clayton Forrester, Director of Dirty Tricks, Evil Geniuses For a Better Tomorrow. +------------------------------------------------------------------+ email: steve_scott@mail.utexas.edu WWW: http://ccwf.cc.utexas.edu/~sscott/index.html +------------------------------------------------------------------+ "Back off man...I'm a scientist." ---Ghostbusters +------------------------------------------------------------------+ All material copyrighted by the original author.