"Operation: Phoenix, Part 1" by CyberPyro (cybrpyro@iac.net) In the center of a vast, sweeping plaza which spanned acres sat a sarcophagus. It was a bright, disgusting mauve color made of smoothly polished marble. Around it swarmed a huge crowd of humanoids who were incredibly diverse in appearance. The Sponge and Wyrm Minions came in all sizes, shapes, and colors to the tomb of their beloved Master B'Harnii. One almost couldn't see the tomb for all the pictures of the Hell Wyrm, Healthy Snacks, Donnie and Marie Osmond albums, and sympathy letters sent to his surviving cousins that were piled around the sarcophagus. A human knelt at the base of the tomb, his head bowed. M'Hikie C'hrawfird looked up at the stone that contained the great love of his life, B'Harnii, the Hell Wyrm. He sniffed as snot started to run out of his nose and then broke into a fit of wailing hysteria. "Master B'Harnii!! I failed you! I tried to get that mean Jihaddi, Warrior Ashur Galand, executed for killing you, but Judge Kanga Roo's jury let him go free!" M'Hikie continued to sob hysterically. His emotions set off the crowd of minions about him. Soon, there were thousands of minions wailing, crying, blowing their noses, cursing Warrior Ashur Galand for beheading the Master, and breaking into the Healthy Snacks piled up around the Hell Wyrm's tomb. No one noticed the subtle tremor that ran through the plaza as they pigged out. "I ..." started M'Hikie. But he stopped, thinking he heard the sickly sweet laughter of his master. He fell silent and listened again. Nothing. The crowd began to listen too, wondering what M'hikie was listening to. The laugh came louder this time, but it was different. The minions noticed it too. They were still comforted by the sound of sickly sweet laughter, but there was iron underneath that laugh. Something powerful, something viscious, something angry, but still familiar to them. "Can it be?" asked M'Hikie, his snot streaked face lighting up. The marble of the sarcophagus shuttered and cracked with a loud popping noise. A large fissure opened in the stone, and the two halves broke as though they were safety glass. The pile of round marble fragments stirred as the crowd drew in a breath of air. The pile shifted and then fell away as a bright mauve colored figure sat up and looked around, clearly unamused. Its eyes glowered an angry red as it tore the burial dressings from its body. "I have returned," said B'Harnii the Hell Wyrm, all traces of humor absent from his normally happy voice. "YEAH!!!!!!!" cheered the crowd. "SHUT UP!!" roared the Hell Wyrm as he stood and kicked the piles of offerings laid at his tomb aside. The crowd fell into a stunned silence, not used to the master speaking in this tone, or being so angry. "GET THIS CRAP OUT OF MY WAY!!" he bellowed. The sponge minions scurried at their master's command, clearing a path for him to walk. He began waddling down the stairs leading to the plaza, visibly enraged. "Master B'Harnii, I ..." started M'hikie. "NOT A WORD FROM YOU!" yelled the Hell Wyrm, "ALL OF YOU HERE ARE TO ASSEMBLE AT THE HIGH PARADE GROUNDS IN FORTY EIGHT HOURS! Tardiness will result in death," continued the Magenta Monstrosity in a soft, lethal tone. "Master B'Harnii! I luv you! Will you play with me?" asked a young plush toy, running forward to hug He-Who-Dances-Badly. "I ... *eeeeiiiiii*!!" screamed the young stuffed animal. The Hell Wyrm's clawed hand shot out, locked around the young toy's head, dug in as blood ran down its plush back, and lifted it of off the ground. Its plush parents ran forward, trying to save their child, as the Wyrm's other claw seized the child's mid-section. "I said not a word," spoke B'harnii in that lethal tone. The child plush toy made an ear rendering scream as it was torn in half by Purple Pedophile. He tossed the hunks to its parents who stood there with blank, deeply shocked looks on their faces. "Don't disobey me again," he said, wading off through the crowd to his waiting guards and central command center. .... Off in an unpopulated, unfashionable section of the multiverse, a lone sponge minion wandered across the surface of a moon is a vac suit collecting rock samples. It enjoyed the bright, sunny side of the moon as it went about its cheery, mindless tasks. Then is frowned, the sunlight gone. It coudln't figure out what had happened to the sun, checked its watch to find the sun should still be out. The minion then rubbed its helmet face, thinking maybe it got dirt on it and could not see. After standing there, its silly putty trying desperately to find a solution, it looked up and wet its pants. Above the minion was perhaps the largest battle ship it had ever seen. The minion would not have known it was there except for the light reflecting off of the surface of the vessel. The vessel, a black as deep as that of space, gave no visual hint of its massive presence. Checking its scans, the sponge gasped at the read outs: 7 miles wide, 56 miles long, 3 to 4 miles thick, and it didn't belong to his Master's Fleet. Judging from the size and number of weapons bristling out of its surface, the minion figured out that this was probably not something to let go unreported. "Command, I ..." started then sponge, using the emergency channel. "The X'hirjq fleet has been expected, private" came back the voice of the station commander and the channel was closed. 'Fleet?' thought [sic] the sponge. It looked closer. Then it became clear: there were *many* vessels, all smaller than the huge one, but many vessels all told. The fleet moved silently overhead and slid into position about the planet below. .... The doors in the Hell Wyrm's private command chambers slid open. A moping B'habii B'hop and B'hii J'haa looked up and squealed with delight. They began to rush towards their beloved cousin, but stopped when they caught wind of his mood. B'Harnii stomped furiously into the room. Well, oh, OK, (reality note), he's too fat to stomp. So, correction: B'harnii tried to stomp furiously into the room, but ended up creating a motion that looked more like viscious waddling from side to side as he entered the chamber. "Greetings ..." chimed in a cheery B'habii B'hop. "I WANT THE JIHAD *DEAD*!" roared the Hell Wyrm as he interupted his cousin. His voice dropped to a steady, lethal tone as he continued. "Before they learned of my DoomsDay device, I was going to be more than a demon consigned to trying to take over the universe through emmcee-ing a children's television show. *I* was going to be master of the multiverse, dominating the time stream. "But, that didn't happen. Why?" he asked, his voice rising steadily. "_Because_ the *JIHAD* FOUND OUT WHAT I WAS UP TO AND DESTROYED THE DEVICE!!!!" "But ..." started B'hii J'haa, off center by the strength of hatred in his cousin. "I *WILL* _*NOT*_ ALLOW THEM TO CONTINUE THIS!!" screamed as enraged Hell Wyrm, his voice reverberating off of the chamber walls. The Wyrm's voice dropped to that even, measured, lethal tone again. "Come forth, my allies, we have many things to discuss," he said. From an alcove floated several Lyran High Sorceror(ess)s(es) acompanied by their apprentices. A wall panel slid open and a giant, lizard-like humanoid stepped through and moved silently towards the coverging group. Every step the being took spoke of power. It's mass of muscles smoothly sliding over one another underneath is dark gray scales, spoke of a powerful, agile fighter in combat. It's face shown with an intelligence that left little doubt that it possessed psionic and magical abilities in significant proportions. "Ah, the X'Hirjq Commander!" said a cheery Hell Wyrm, genuine myrth in his voice. "It's so nice to see you in this dimension." "My allies," said the commander, bowing slightly in the B'Harnii and his cousins in turn. "Our fleet is ready to invade." "Good," chuckled the Magenta Monstrosity. "I knew my alliance with your race when we met in the outer realms would be an excellent decision." As this exchange took place, a large Jello Beasts slid up to 'stand' with the group as well, the light now being refracted in strange patterns through its body. "Excellent, now we may discuss my plan," said the Hell Wyrm. .... B'hii J'haa, B'habii B'hop, the X'hirjq Commander, the Jello Sponge, the Hell Wyrm, and many Lyran High Sorcerors walked down the wide corridor leading to the balcony overlooking the High Parade Ground. At the intersection with another corridor, a group of seven X'hirjq joined the procession, one of the group held a stack of twelve tablets, each wrapped in black cloth. "Excellent," giggled the Hell Wyrm as a minion ran up to the group with an important message. "Master B'Harnii! Master B'Harnii! We have news from the ambush we laid at the Wal-Mart in Oxford, OH," said the minion as its commanding officer slowly walked up behind it. "Is CyberPyro dead like I ordered?" asked a hopefully Magenta Menace. "Well, ummm, no he isn't" said an uneasy minion. "Is he captured?" asked the Purple Pedophile, venom leaking into his voice. "Sir," said the minion's commanding officer, standing at attention, "our trap was unsuccessful in killing CyberPyro. He, Most Holy, the G-Team, and troops from TRES Corps destroyed all forces sent out to kill him." "I see," said a visibily displeased B'Harnii as the X'hirjq Commander shifted from one foot to another. "They destroyed our robots and killed our swarm?" asked an incredilous X'Hirjq. "Perhaps your fears were justified ..." "You have failed me for the last time," cut in the Hell Wyrm, interrupting his ally, as he addressed his minion. "Kill him." The X'hirjq moved in a blur of motion, appearing more as a shadow than a killer. The commander jumped, to late to save itself, as a serrated sword stabbed through its heart and came out its back. The corpse lifted off of its feet as the blade ripped roughly out of his chest, taking large chunks of flesh with it. "I .. *guuaak*" started the sponge minion as it suffered the same fate. "The High Parade Grounds await," said the Hell Wyrm, stepping over the corpses of its former servants. .... The High Parade Grounds, built enitrely of mauve marble, covered approximately two square miles. In the north of this massive area was a rasied balcony resembling a stage. One could easily guess that this was where one would address the assembled forces. This large, open area was now filled with an army composed of Wyrm Minions, Jello Sponges, X'hirjq BattleTroops, WyrmBots, and a small portion of Sponge Minions. They all stood in complete silence, the only noise made by the occasional breeze blowing through the barrel of a plasma rifle or across hardened battle armor. Overhead, visible against the bright green sky were the black ships of the X'hirjq seemingly like patches of undispelled night in the bright, clear sky. Intermixed with these black ships were the bright lavender ones of the Lyran Space Fleet. This patch work of black and lavender extended past the horizon. The doors at the back of the raised balcony opened. The Jello Beasts shambled out onto the stage. Behind them came the Lyran High Sorcerors. Then the X'hirjq contingent emerged. The crowd was silent. B'hii J'haa and B'habii B'hopp emerged from the doors and stood on either side of the door. The assembled army didn't move a muscle as it stood at rigid attention. o/~ I luv you ... o/~ sang the Hell Wyrm from the darkness of the corridor. o/~ You luv me! o/~ sang the assembled army in errie unison. o/~ We're one big happy family o/~ sang the Magenta Monstrosity as it emerged from the darkness into the light. It waddled out into the light, wearing a robe composed of lavender crystals. The sunlight caught the crystals and they exploded into a shower of refracted light. The army cheered in a unified, deafening roar for Master B'Harnii. The Purple Pedophile, reveling in the attention paid to him, capered and laughed as he looked at the assembled group. "NOW! DOWN TO BUSINESS!" bellowed the Hell Wyrm as the army fell silent. The twelve tablets were layed down on the ground, in clear view of the army. The Lyrans, X'hirjq, and Jello Beasts, B'hii J'haa, B'habii B'hopp, and the Hell Wyrm made a circle around these tablets and began chanting, mauve and blackish-gray magical energy visibily intermingling and swirling about them. "As we prepare our final invasion to destroy the Jihad, I *mark* these people for death," said He-Who-Dances-Badly as he uncovered the first tablet, the magical energies growing more intense. He held it up for the army to see. The assembled mass hissed at the portrait of JFoxGlov, Admiral of TRES Corps, and Praetor of the Jihad. The Hell Wyrm held his left hand out to the side where an apprentice with a sharp knife cut his palm. The lavender blood flowed instantly down his hand. "JFoxGlov, you are marked for death," said B'harnii is a low, lethal tone as he smeared his blood across the portrait. He released the portrait and it hung in mid air, supported by the magical energies. .... Across the multiverse, sitting in his office dictating troop deployment order for TRES Corps, JFoxGlov suddenly shivered in his office chair. He assumed a more upright position in his command chair and continued with his orders. "Sir, your nose is bleeding," said the secretary. .... "Grand Admiral Owsen, leader of TRES Corps, Founder of the Jihad, you are marked for death," intoned B'harnii as he smeared his blood across the second portrait. The army cheered loudly. .... Grand Admiral Owsen, wandering under the reeling elms of his favorite country hide away, suddenly sensed danger. He drew his sword and put his back to a tree, ready for an attack that didn't come. .... "Windigo the Feral, leader of the Meaneds, your death is assured," chanted the Hell Wyrm, smearing his blood across her portrait and releasing it to hang in the air. .... Flipping off of a balcony to avoid an attack, Windigo hissed as her ears flattened against her head. The Doberman trooper who was talking to her looked down from the balcony, confused at her actions and a lack of a target. .... Lavender blood smeared across Shardik the Feral's portrait as the Hell Wyrm continued: "Your death is so sworn." His portrait floated off in the air as well. .... Admiral Mysterium, sitting in the House of Eternal Night, looked up at a loud thump on the roof. Shardik landed on the apex of one of the roofs of the House, his huge wings wrapped about him as a sudden, icy chill ran throughout his body. .... B'harnii held his hand out to be cut again. The blood flowed profusely as it was applied to SamHain's portrait. "You, a major pain in my plan, will be destroyed," said the Magenta Monstrosity, his voice dripping with venom. .... "Samhain? Are you listening to me?" asked NiteBird as they sat on a ledge overlooking the midnight sky of the city where they lived. "What? I ... feel kinda funny. What the schneck is going on?" .... Morgenna's portrait, of an Admiral in TRES Corps, Patroness of the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, and Mistress of the House of Eternal Night, was smeared and obscured by mauve blood. "You will be anhillitated," swore the Wyrm. .... Our Lady of Perpetual Motion's voice faltered, as her mind grappled with some unknown fear, in the middle of a sermon to the members of her Church. After the fear passed and she knew the threat was gone, the lecture continued as she made a note on her neatly typed sermon about the event. .... "Czarina Tasha, Captain of TRES Corps, your death is sworn upon all that is purple," spoke He-Who-Steals-Nursery-Rhymes as her portrait was smeared with blood. The ring of mages, heretofore untapped, began to sweat a little as this spell casting consumed more energy than they thought it would. .... Sitting on her throne watching royal entertainment, the Czarina suddenly lost all focus on the events at hand, her attention focused on nothing. A moment later she regained her focus, noticing her non-focus by the fact that a joke had just been told that she didn't remember hearing. .... "CyberPyro, you will not escape my claws this time," snarled the Hell Wyrm as he visciously smeared blood across the picture. .... Sitting in his room, waiting for the Metallica tape to change from "For Whom the Bell Tolls" to "Fade to Black," CyberPyro shuddered, lost his focus in DOOM ][, and was gunned down by the 6 CyberDemons he was killing for DeathMatch warm up. "What the ... " he asked as his game was forgotten. .... "Majesty, the Jihaddi are sensing what we are up to," said one of the Lyran High Sorcerors, sweat beading on his forehead. "Let them! They can't stop this now," giggled B'harnii as he grabbed the portrait of Warrior Ashur Galand, C-in-C of W.E.D.J.E.E. "You will die too," he said as blood eclipsed the view of Galand's face. .... Galand hunched over his blueprints, trying to add the necessary lines to his design to eliminate bugs in the beta model of his new weapon. His fist smashed into the table, the pencil snapped in half and flew off in opposite directions, as he felt a deep, unfocused rage. "Dammit," he swore as his cup of Jolt ran over the blue prints. .... Most Holy, C-in-C of M.A.U.L., fumbled his cello practice as a stabbing headache racked his brain. He quickly laid the instrument aside, dropped his bow, and walked to the cabinet to grab some aspirin. After downing 4 capsules, he looked around, confused, and grabbed his JihadLinker[tm]. .... Legion Commander Sandman, leader of the Legion of DOOM, flopped back into the command chair of _NEMESIS_, his legs gone completely numb as though he'd sat cross legged for hours after he tried to stand. He looked around, mildly shocked that he hadn't noticed his legs falling asleep. "I'll be alright. Legs just fell asleep," he said, waiving off a member of the bridge crew who came over to him. .... Arsenal the Lone Warrior, asleep in his private chambers, rolled over. His dream had taken a sudden, nightmarish turn. He tossed and turned, sweating profusely as the dream got worse, vocalizing in half-conherent slurs what he was seeing behind his eyes. He suddenly sat up in bed wide awake, screaming as though he were dying. The guards burst into his chambers, weapons drawn, prepared to kill an intruder. As Arsenal spoke to assure he was OK, the memory of the dream vanished like a cobweb underneath a candle's flame. .... "Mwah hahahaha," sweetly chuckled the Hell Wyrm as he admired the twelve portraits of the Jihaddi, smeared in his blood, circulating the the vortex of energy the mages had created. B'harnii spread his arms as his own energy shot out from the tips of his finger, enriching and strengthening the swirling energies. "It is done," said the Lyran Master Sorceror after a few minutes, "release it now." All the parties involved dropped their arms at the same time. The vortex exploded outwards, passing through the unflinching army and the space fleet overhead before finally dissipating. "Now, my allies and minions," lectured the Purple Pedophile, "the people we have marked for death will be unable to hide from *anyone* in our invasion force. You will all be able to spot them regardless of what disguise they attempt. Use the tools we have given you to the fullest of your advantage." The assmebled X'hirjq contingent nodded solemnly in unison as they understood what a powerful tool they had been given to hunt with. The Jello Beasts made a noise akin to maniacal laughter as they too understood what they were given my their master. The Lyrans in the crowd smiled as comprehension dawned on them. "NOW GO! DESTROY THE JIHAD! KILL ALL OF THEM SO THAT NOTHING BUT ASHES WILL REMAIN OF THEIR *PITIFUL* 'CAUSE'!!" bellowed B'Harnii. The army left the plaza in a highly organized movement, headed back to their warships for the launch. CyberPyro Copyright, Pyrokinetic Productions, Inc. (1996)