"Hello, handsome. If things have gone totally wrong, I'm talking to myself and you've got a wet towel wrapped around your head." -- Quaid Operation: Phoenix: Free For All by J-Rock, jjr5020@rigel.tamu.edu # AC/DC "Got You By The Balls" _The Razor's Edge_ J-Rock surveyed the area and the rapidly-brewing hostage-situation- cum-Mexican-Standoff and shook his head. Why hadn't Owsen thought to bring WEDJEE Despongification Weapons? A few Twinkie or Long John missiles in the right place could factor the hostage-takers out of the equation, letting the mostly-Feral hunting party get on with what they did best. J-Rock also knew that it was important not to waste time wishing for resources one didn't have. P-Chan's voice broke his frantic concentration: "C'mon, guys, let me shoot if the Gundam's not gonna be here yet!" "That's a negatory, P-Chan," Owsen responded. "Even if you could plink the BMWs, debris might hit the civilians, and I won't have that sort of Dirty Pair Event on my conscience. Got me?" A muffled "yes" comprised P-Chan's only reply. J-Rock opened a channel to the Core Fighter. P-Chan received him with "When you said that we were going to stop the Spongins from recreating Sherman's March to the Sea, I had hoped for some action instead of this." "I know," J-Rock replied. "About the only thing we can do now is wait for the DropShip to arrive and see about negotiating.. what am I saying, I doubt if these bastages would want to..." "True, and thanks for your optimistic evaluation of the situation." "Honest, it's no trouble." Adding Windigo and Shardik's Gambit to the discussion, he said "Would you mind if you were to cover for me? I'm going to recon the surrounding area and see how wide the pool is." Windigo said, "I thought the WICCANs did a good job of that." "Windi, I think better when I'm moving fast. Trust me on this." "Ok, don't get your ass shot off." "I know what I'm doing." "Watch yourself, J," P-Chan added. "This is so much like the OU cafeteria in OBI that it's not even funny." OBI was the name of an abortive Cyberpunk campaign that J and P had played in, which featured a near-identical situation to this one. J only winked, smiled, flashed a V for Victory over the vidlink, and kicked the Gambit in the ass, going almost supersonic in a heartbeat. **************************************************************************** ABOARD THE AMS C.B.G.B. (Union Class DropShip) The Mystic Mongoose sat pensively in the cockpit of his borrowed Warhammer. He had no idea of what kind of forces he'd be facing, and neither did anybody else in the DropShip. "Three minutes to drop," announced Don, the BattleMaster driver. "If we're going to be dropping into a hot LZ, it's really gonna suck," said Tim from his Wolverine. "Huh huh huh -- you said suck," replied Don, in his best Butthead voice. "Quit quoting dufii," a female voice connected to a blue-eyed woman in her twenties said. "C'mon, Kazumi, it's just a joke," Don said defensively. "Sure, Don," Tim interjected. "Just make sure the ladies don't get their heads blown off. Okay?" "Go ahead, Don, leave me with the babysitting." While this exchange took place, Kazumi fielded an incoming tightbeam message. This one came from another woman, slightly younger than she, with brown eyes and a hint of a headband peeking out from under her helmet. She said, "Oneesama, they sound like us a few years ago, ne?" The other woman nodded. "Scary, isn't it?" she said. Before Noriko could reply, the DropShip captain joined the general channel, saying "I have a new contact! DropShip, Behemoth class, IFF blank... Wait one, got an incoming call." A few seconds of silence pervaded the channel. Yet another woman's voice broke the silence with this: "This is the GISS Chupa-Chups, Mother Siona commanding!" Mongoose replied, "SIONA!!! ALL RIGHT!!!!!" The rest of the TAMUBGD MechWarriors voiced a collective "hm?" at this. "She's one of ours," Mongoose explained. "What brings you here?" "Since I got wind of this massive mecha incursion," Siona said, "I figured I might as well take my Guardian and my lollipop here and go lick the Spongins." Her mouth twisted into a little grin as she continued, "You didn't think I was going to let you guys have all the fun, didn't you?" **************************************************************************** J-Rock hurtled across the sky, staring at the sea of BMWs that awaited the heroes. On a whim, he slotted his floptical Combat Music collection into the Gambit's player and set it to shuffle play... # The Mighty Mighty Bosstones "Our Only Weapon" _Don't Know How To Party_ Read the papers, things look grim Watch the news, the outlook's dim It's clear to see that there is something wrong Could be that we don't change a lot But we should give it our best shot Our only weapon is a song Maybe we're being too naive But this is something we believe What's beyond belief is just how much is wrong Nothing is gained when people fight Maybe our heads aren't screwed on tight Our only weapon is a song We're not building bombs or storing ammunition We're just playing songs hoping people will listen Others try hate but hate won't move anything We're trying love and unity too We're not packing pistols, we're not waging war Most of our missiles have only four chords It's not a great plan but we like the agenda The arsenal's music and the army's our friends Could be our idea isn't great Maybe our heads aren't screwed on straight We may be wrong and maybe nothing's wrong And we might never win the war But we'll have fun and that's for sure Our only weapon is a song "OF COURSE!" J-Rock exclaimed, banking the Gambit through a 180-degree turn and heading back towards the others. His thoughts were interrupted when a voice came over the radio, "187th FTL has arrived and requests orders." J-Rock responded with, "Wait one, Major. LTO will advise on deployment." Opening a channel to the WHAP-ASS, J-Rock said, "I know how we're gonna nix this hostage situation." **************************************************************************** Owsen had not been idle. He currently sat with a tangle of wires in his lap leading to the armor's BIG bail-out teleporter. "Actually, J, I was looking to try something out myself," he answered, punching on the channel encryption. "What's on your mind?" "Well, sir, let's hear yours first." "I was looking to reverse the input polarity on the BIG and grab the hostages right out from under their noses." "The power requirements would be immense, you realize." "That's what the lightpoles are for. To run that kind of lighting, they gotta have independent generators." "Anyway, my idea would be to run a crash-audio signal to their external speakers and comm-units." "What sort of signal did you have in mind, Admiral?" "Good Music cranked to 11. If I may make another suggestion?" "By all means." "Why don't we implement BOTH plans? That'll allow the Mechs to drop without interference as well." **************************************************************************** WHILE THAT WAS GOING ON... Shardik saw J-Rock's Gambit coming back in. "Hmm. He's opened a secured channel to Owsen," he said. At length, the B'Horn ships began heading north, save a troop transport, which headed towards a nearby radio station. Windigo saw this as well, and it wasn't too hard to put two and two together. She said, "I'll be da... He really does think better at high speed." **************************************************************************** AND THEN... J-Rock sifted through the floptical, looking for the perfect song to play over the enemy's speakers. Hmm.. Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" (been done before, and it ain't heavy enough for my purposes this day..), "Get Ready For This" by 2Unlimited (how'd THAT get in there?), Molly Hatchet's "Flirting With Disaster".. another time, maybe. Owsen's face appeared on the left-viewer. "J, the B'Horn are telling me that WJHD is on the air," he said. "Better start broadcasting." J-Rock opened a comm-port to the frequency Owsen gave him, and sifted through a song or two. Finding his selection, he pressed PLAY, saying "Lights, camera, silence on the set, floppy rolling, three, two, one, ACTION!!" # AC/DC "Are You Ready" _The Razor's Edge_ The song belted forth from the B'Harnate comm-units. The Spongins began to grit their teeth and throw their hands to their ears, lest they become despongified. Those armored troopers who had the presence of mind to rip their helmets off only succeeded in exposing themselves to the louder music coming from the speakers. Regardless, the effect was devastating: The Spongins were no longer holding weapons on their hostages, and the latter knew it. The hostages started edging away from the BMWs. J-Rock yelled, "NOW, Owsen!" Owsen pushed the striped button on the BIG console, whisking the hostages off to the evacuee camp set up by the 187th FTL Cav. Meanwhile, the DropShip commanders, upon seeing this, moved their ships over the stadium and the Mech drop began in earnest. The C.B.G.B. let the previously mentioned Warhammer, BattleMaster, and Wolverine out, in addition to a Nightsky and an Enfield. J-Rock had been busy, Siona noted as her Guardian went out the mech door to join her 7 assorted JihadMechs and Torquemadas. At this time, Siona got her first good look at the forces opposing the hunting party-turned-small army. Her reaction... let's just say that she was very glad the Torquemadas carried six tons of LRMs apiece. About the only people not having initial misgivings were Noriko and Kazumi. They had faced much more than this _by themselves,_ and the fact that they were still breathing gave silent testament to their skill. Owsen, who was frantically trying to return his BIG to its unmodified status, gave the command over the tacnet: "Owsen to Jihad: One word -- ANNIHILATE!!!!!!" The three fighters immediately spiraled off into strafing runs, whilst the BattleMechs cut loose with their heavy artillery. # AC/DC "Fire Your Guns" _The Razor's Edge_ J-Rock dropped to 500 feet, tightening his fingers around the railgun triggers while briefing a pair of proton missiles on a mission. Having roasted his initial BMW through concentrated fire, he scrambled his missiles. They bored in straight for another BMW, not even bothering to Robotech before striking the mechanical beast's belly, consuming it in a hellstorm. Turning his attention to a cluster of infantry, he switched to his grenade launchers and sowed explosive death in their ranks. By this time, the Spongins had figured out how to cut off the AC/DC flooding their ears, and a few were just now beginning to return fire. Pulling up and juking, J-Rock said, "P-Chan, the Gundam body's in the C.B.G.B. Best get to it." "Roger that," P-Chan said, sending laser bolts through the air as she paused to hose a BMW. The B'Harnate war engine exploded after her second pass, and she headed back for the C.B.G.B. **************************************************************************** # Ted Nugent "Free For All" Tim had taken his Wolverine into a thick clump of BMWs, and was currently involved in an intense hit-and-run engagement with them. At length, he had taken down all but one, which seemed to be better armored than its counterparts. "Urrgh.. Why won't this thing die?" he said. Siona had brought her Guardian in to assist, and she let the offending Bimmer have it with all the lasers in her Mech's arsenal. Ruby-red bolts holed the BMW in four different places, with a green large-laser bolt striking right in its chest, hitting the reactor and vaping it entirely. "Sometimes you just have to know what you're doing," she said. "But I was," Tim replied. "This last one just didn't want to die." "Your taking out the other five was impressive, I must admit." "Yes, I know I'm good. No autographs." "CHECK SIX!!" With that, Siona triggered her LRM launcher at the BMW that had gotten behind Tim. Four of the ten-missile salvo impacted the BMW, just barely managing to scratch the paint. The missiles managed to stop the BMW's movement, however. "Are you stupid?" Don said to the BMW's driver over a com channel as his orange BattleMaster swung its PPC into play. A cerulean beam caught the BMW right in the neck, sending the head well away from the body. Those troops nearest the stricken BMW fled as Don said over the tacnet, "Never stop within extreme range of the Pumpkin King!" Siona completed the thought with, "Keep moving, Darkwing Tim. This ain't over yet." **************************************************************************** P-Chan flew into the C.B.G.B.'s fighter door to find the Gundam body propped up in harness. "Ok, now what do I do?" she asked. J-Rock answered, "Pull the red d-shaped handle out, give it a quarter-turn, and push it back in." She did this, and was rewarded with the fighter shifting in ways fighters normally don't while a steel cover snapped shut over the handle. On the outside, the plane lit its hover jets and shifted its geometry until it became a giant robot's head and upper chest. The autopilot light came on as it mated itself with the body, connections sealing shut with a satisfying clang. As P-Chan marched the Gundam out of the DropShip, the weapons systems began to come online. "'Beam saber'?" she asked to herself before dismissing the thought. She came out the door and headed over to where Noriko and Kazumi were working on a company of BMWs... # Moby "All That I Need Is To Be Loved" _Everything Is Wrong_ The two other ladies were working on their opposition in the usual fashion: Kazumi laying down long range covering fire, allowing Noriko to use her Nightsky's speed to get in close and swarm. In return, she also saw to any BMWs that were threatening Kazumi's flanks. In short, they were an incredible team. This, of course, placed messing with these two on the same practical scale as tugging on Superman's cape, spitting into the wind, and fooling around with the ol' Lone Ranger. P-Chan sighted in on a BMW and pulled the trigger. A burst of particle cannon fire shredded the troop compartment and left the Bimmer's left arm hanging on by a thread. The B'Harnate Mech turned to face the Gundam and fired its shoulder cannon at it. P-Chan ducked the Gundam behind the shield she saw on the left arm and was pleasantly suprised when it stopped the enemy's energy blast. She fired again, this time scoring a hit right between the eyes. The BMW fell onto its back and exploded. Slinging the beam rifle, the Gundam's hand went for a beam saber. Incandescent green fire sprang forth as P-Chan flew low towards a group of Bimmers. Giving voice to a primal scream, she swung the saber at the chest of a BMW, creating a shower of sparks as the blade passed through. The two halves stayed together for a brief second before the top part of the BMW slid off. Seconds later, the BMW went up in a fireball. "THIS RULES!!!" P-Chan shouted as she used the beam saber to shred many more BMWs. She then received a hail from Kazumi: "Could you stick around with us?" I'm almost Winchester." P-Chan recognized the code word for 'I am out of ammunition' and replied, "Sure. Not a problem." "Good. This Enfield's a pretty good mech, but I'll have to talk with J-Rock about a variant for extended operations." With that, Kazumi lit her jump jets and soared above a BMW in preparation for that most feared of mecha physical attacks: Death From Above. Kazumi decided to add a little twist to it, however. At the apex of her jump, she extended the Enfield's right foot and yelled, "THUNDERBOLT KICK!!" The mech descended rapidly, hitting its victim in the head with tremendous force. Enough force, in fact, to literally drive the Bimmer's head into its lower torso, crushing such important components such as the engine, the gyroscope, and the crew along the way. She rode the BMW on its way down, using her Enfield's momentum to clear the wreckage in a stylish skid-to-a-stop on one knee. **************************************************************************** ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE... The commander of a fire-support BMW noticed that two aerofighters were darting over the battlefield, laying waste to all in their path. He also noticed that they would pass through his firing range in a few seconds. This would most certainly not do. He shouted an order to his crew: "Destroy those fighters! For Barney!!" "For Barney!!" the crew echoed, targetting the lead fighter and opening up with the shoulder-mounted railguns and missiles. **************************************************************************** "FUCK!!!" shouted J-Rock as a burst of railgun fire played itself across the Gambit's fuselage. Windigo's face appeared on the left-side screen a second later. "You ok?" she said. "Kinda sorta," J-Rock replied. "That last blast got the shield generator. Good thing the shields stopped the missiles, though." Just then, a warning tone sounded in J-Rock's helmet whilst the words "MISSILE LAUNCH DETECTED" wrote themselves across the HUD. J-Rock threw the Gambit into a snap-roll to evade the missile, returning fire with his railguns. As J-Rock perforated the second Bimmer, the first fired its own railguns again, neatly blowing off a section of tail assembly in addition to a big chunk of the right wing. Pointing his stricken Gambit at the wounded BMW, J flipped open the cover on the bail-out button and pushed it down. Everything turned blue as he sounded an awe-inspiring battlecry of "SSSSSHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!", hoping he didn't press it too late.... Shard's voice told the story over the tacnet: "Mayday, mayday! J-Rock's been hit... Repeat, we've lost J.. is he doing what I think he's doing?... Holy snecking shit.. Windi, did you see any chutes?" "No," Windigo said as J-Rock's doomed Gambit plowed into the BMW in a flash of mutually assured destruction. Silence reigned for about two seconds before Owsen's face appeared on Shardik's right-side screen. "He may be still alive," Owsen said. "I gave the Gambit the same BIG teleporter found in the WHAP-ASSes." "That's all well and good," Shardik replied. "Now can someone put this Sponge-Mech out of our misery?" "On it," Owsen said. He took his WHAP-ASS and headed toward the BMW that was making things difficult for his fellow Ferals. A few CIWS turrets noticed the battlearmor, their muzzles spitting tongues of flame and death. Owsen calmly sidestepped the bullets, and sent back some railgun blasts and missiles. The turrets exploded into small fireballs as LTO scaled the Mech, eventually finding the crew entrance hatch. Ripping it off with his armor's hand, Owsen addressed the suprised crew members with "I'd like you to meet Catherine. She's been dying to meet you!!" He then triggered the grenade launcher, its blast wiping out all traces of life on the Bimmer's bridge. "That was too easy," Owsen said as he hopped out of Catherine for a brief second. He located the engineering console and went straight to work, sending the reactor into catastrophic overload before getting back in the WHAP-ASS. Flying away at his best speed, he watched as the BMW was consumed in a miniature sun. "Way to go, Jace!!" Windi said over the net, using Tilden's Maenad name. "We aim to please," Owsen replied. **************************************************************************** BACK ABOARD THE C.B.G.B.... J-Rock had managed to make it out in time, and he was presently occupied with reconfiguring his soft-suit's environmental controls while trading in his G-suit for a BattleMech cooling vest. After all, it gets hot in BattleMech cockpits, especially in that of Haji, J-Rock's Marauder-IIC. The reconfiguring finished, he headed for Haji at a dead run. Stopping by the weapons rack for a brief moment, he paused to pick up a XRifle (WEDJEE's latest plasma-rifle/grenade-launcher mix) and five clips before entering the Mech. J-Rock sat down in the command couch, stowing the rifle and attaching a few neural leads to his helmet. Starting up the Mech in record time, he slotted the backup Combat Music floptical, found his favorite Mighty Mighty Bosstones song (for which the Mech was named after), and played it as he cleared the C.B.G.B.'s Mech doors. # The Mighty Mighty Bosstones "Haji" _Devil's Night Out_ Bringing the MAD-IIC up to its full speed of 64 kph, J-Rock set his sights on a BMW that was menacing the MAUL fire lance. All three of Haji's PPCs sent artificial lightning into the BMW, vaporizing plush and melting the armor over its chest. The bolts devoured all in their path, and repeated the process on the rear armor before exiting on the opposite side. The BMW fell to earth, structural supports warping and breaking from being superheated on impact. In the cockpit, a wave of blast furnace-like heat washed over J, who was very glad he took the time to set the soft-suit's A/C for desert fighting-mode. He had to admit that Haji had too few heat sinks, but the fact that whatever those PPCs hit was reduced to its component atoms more than made up for it. Stifling a grin, he dialed in the tacnet to say, "I'm not dead yet!" in a perfect clipped British accent. "That you in there?" P-Chan asked as she blew apart another Bimmer. "Yes, it is, P," J said as he moved to where the lady MechWarriors were waxing all foolish enough to face them. "Meet Haji, the King of the Genies." Just then, an Spongin infantry platoon fired a few Jihaddi-Seeker rockets at the two mecha. The only things that barrage managed to do was to scratch the Marauder's paint and continue the process of removing the paint on the Gundam's shield. Two pulse lasers from each Mech, with the addition of four small lasers from Haji, gave said platoon a deadly coherent-light farewell. **************************************************************************** IN THE SKIES WAY ABOVE ATLANTA... A X'hirjq lieutenant turned to her superior and said, "Our allies are failing us." The superior replied, "Aye, for most of our quarry are down there, fighting them. Consult the scanners." "Yes, milady." After a pause, the lieutenant said, "Scanners show the following targets: Lord Tilden Owsen, Shardik the Feral, Windigo the Feral. In addition, they also indicate the male and female who helped JFoxGlov escape the ambush at Waco. The rest are of no consequence." "Still, we must be wary. Those two were 'of no consequence' at Waco. When will we be able to deploy?" "Ten of their Earth minutes, milady." "Then we shall show our allies and enemies what true fighting is all about." "We shall, milady." **************************************************************************** NINE MINUTES LATER... It had been a long, hard fight, but the Jihadddi were triumphant. Owsen had blown away the last BMW, and the Mechs were on their way back to the DropShips. Suddenly, three WOW-that's-black fightercraft streaked out of the sky and rolled into strafing runs. Mongoose's Warhammer had its legs cut out from under it by concentrated laser fire, and a Torquemada was blown to Kingdom Come as the stricken Warhammer landed on its face. "Ten to one, they're not on our side," Siona said. "No bet," Tim muttered under his breath. "Windi, Shard, get these bungholes off of us!!" Owsen cried. # Metallica "Sad But True" _Metallica_ "Will do," Shardik said as he rolled in behind the lead craft, pummelling it with the railguns. P-Chan, on the other hand, leaped into the air to help out. She plucked a fighter out of the air with all the grace she reserved for catching her Bloody Card and threw the airplane into its wingmate, destroying both. Just then, a fusillade of laser and ion blasts announced the arrival of about 5 Lizard landing craft. P-Chan used the Gundam's phenomenal manuverability to avoid the blasts, landing on the ground next to Kazumi and Noriko. Shardik wasn't so lucky. His Gambit caught a couple of laser blasts, which sheared the left wing off completely and blew away a good chunk of the right wing. Shardik roared, "Dammit!! Ejecting!!" as he pushed the BIG button. As the Gambit augered into the ground, the ion cannon scored a hit on the MAUL fire lance, disintegrating Mechs and Warriors in a few heartbeats. P-Chan beheld the destruction and breathed in the commlink, "Jesus Christ..." Owsen answered her with, "Guess again." TO BE CONTINUED ON CHRISTMAS OR IN 1996.... All material copyrighted by the original author.