"You wanna survive? Well, here's what you do. Get a good, fast bike; learn to ride like a bat out of Hell; and pray it isn't raining on Doomsday." -- Anonymous biker, c. 1978 Operation: Phoenix: A Plague of Demons by J-Rock, jjr5020@rigel.tamu.edu P-Chan drove her blue Mustang through the streets of Abilene. Since she was on leave at the time, she was wearing nothing that gave any indication of her calling in life. Even the polka-dotted headband was back at her father's house. In short, everything but her umbrella was there. That rode in the back seat. It looked like a calm, ordinary day. But P-Chan could feel in every fiber of her being that this would change, and not for the better. She pulled into the driveway of the local comics shop and got out. She could not hear the ringing sound of her JihadLinker from inside her glove box as she entered the shop. At length, she came out with a bag full of comics and headed home. She didn't notice the nondescript Ford Taurus following her to her house about a block behind her. She pulled into the driveway and got the bag, her umbrella, and the JihadLinker, which had a flashing red light on the case. That can wait, she thought as she went inside. "Hi Dad! I'm home!" she said as she closed the door behind her. "Hi Anita," her father replied from the depths of his newspaper. "How was your day?" "Fine," she said as she entered her room and shut the door. Dropping everything on her bed, she sat down and opened the JihadLinker up. Retrieving the message that was on there didn't take long, and the messages that awaited her were these: Message #1 -------------------------------- From: arsenal@blood.jihad.org To: flash-traffic@jihad.org Earth under attack by large unknown Lyran force. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Message #2 -------------------------------- From: tilden@tres.jihad.org To: tres.jihad.org,pchan@tamubgd.jihad.org All leaves are hereby cancelled by order of the Grand Admiral of the TRES Corps. Report to your squad leaders at once for further instructions. This was bad, she thought. The last she heard, J-Rock was in Waco with Foxglov and The Mystic Mongoose. She didn't have any more time to reflect on this, as a black-suited human came crashing in through the window, carrying an assault rifle... # My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult "After the Flesh" _"The Crow" soundtrack_ P-Chan reflexively shut the JihadLinker and grabbed her umbrella. A foot-long blade sprang out of the tip as she stapled the Wyrm-Minion's head to her bedroom wall before he had a chance to pull the trigger. A pair of strong arms grabbed her from behind, making her let go of the umbrella. P-Chan brought her foot down on his kneecap, breaking the Minion's hold on her as she ran up to another wall, pausing to grab a bardiche with the legend "I DON'T DIAL 911" inscribed on the haft nearest the blade. She whirled to face her adversary, bringing her bardiche behind her back at the same time as the hobbled Minion pulled a taser pistol out of his coat pocket. She brought the bardiche down with all her might, bisecting the Wyrm-Minion's head and chest before pulling her weapon free. She lashed out with a side kick that sent a Man In Black through the window that it had entered through to back up Wyrm-Minion #1. "Back the way you came, loofa-man!" she shouted triumphantly as the MIB was impaled on a large shard of glass as it tumbled out of the window. It was already devolving into a mass of sponge and B*rn*y-semen as it rolled to a stop in the backyard. She didn't see this, however, as she had already grabbed her umbrella and ran out of her room to check up on her dad. Two BJ-hadar were waiting for her. P-Chan hurled the closed umbrella like a spear, impaling a BJ-hadar. The corpse skidded to a stop in front of P-Chan's father, who kept on reading his paper, seemingly oblivious to the fact that his daughter was in a fight for her life. He needn't have worried though, as P-Chan's frenzied attacks drove the BJ-hadar back down the hallway towards the open front door. A palm-heel strike caught the BJ-hadar under its chin, sending it flying right out the door and onto the lawn. The bardiche hit the creature under its ribs as it tried to get up and counterattack. P-chan put her foot down on the wounded creature's throat and asked in a grating voice, "Who sent you?" The BJ-hadar responded only with, "You'll find out, P-Chan, sooner than you think!" The beast's reptilian laughter was interrupted as P-Chan applied more pressure, snapping its neck. Meanwhile, P-Chan's dad had just finished with his section of newspaper. Seeing the corpse on the yard, he shouted, "Anita! GET THAT SHIT OFF MY LAWN!!" "Yes, Father," P-Chan shouted back. She dragged the corpse to the Taurus parked on the sidewalk, opened a back door, and threw it in. Closing the door, she went back to her room, pausing to retrieve her umbrella and to receive a grunted "Thank you" from her father, who had already immersed himself in the sports section. P-Chan replaced the bardiche upon the wall and changed her clothes, pulling on the black TRES-model soft battlesuit with maroon and white trim. Tying on her headband, she decided to toss the comics in the bag. She'd read them later. **************************************************************************** MEANWHILE, IN WACO... J-Rock, JFoxglov, the Mystic Mongoose, and a few select accquaintences were in the pet store of Richland Mall, eyeing the many pets available for sale there. "That," said J-Rock as he eyed a box on the wall, "had better not be what I think it is." Mongoose followed J-Rock's gaze to the box, which contained a "Barney" pet door for large doghouses. The funny thing about it was that it had no pictures of the Satanic Purple Saurian from Hades on it. JFox was raising his camera to take a picture of it when the entire mall reverberated with a thousand terrified screams. Looking outside to see what the problem was, J-Rock saw about 130 Wyrm-Minions racing through the crowd, firing at random. Righteous anger coursing through his head, he activated the forcefields on his soft armored jacket as he reached into the space where Da Holy Sibling-Sawblade awaited its master's call to battle. "Mongoose, we got company!" he cried as he drew Da Sawblade and his Plasmatronix 2000 Handheld Particle Projection Cannon. Mongoose responded by drawing Triveritas and shouting, "Get the others to safety, Bob!" Bob, J-Rock's driver and ad-hoc bodyguard, told his girlfriend, "Amanda, get the others out of here!" "I'm staying right here!" she replied. Just then the X'hirjq in charge of the horde spied the pet store and the three Jihaddi within. "I must have done something right in a previous life," she sent. "Three for the price of one. Lord Barney will be very pleased. OPEN FIRE!!!" # Loudness "Solider of Fortune" _Soldier of Fortune_ Bob pulled his pistol and returned the Wyrm-Minions' fire along with J-Rock and JFoxglov. Amanda shrieked and assumed Boom Coming Over position, shouting "You brought that thing along?" Bob replied, "Yes, kittycat. Didn't you bring yours?" "NO! I've never owned a gun before! Until now, I never NEEDED a gun before!" "Then get the others out of here, NOW!!!" J-Rock bellowed as a cerulean spear issued forth from his pistol, neatly impaling three members of the horde. Amanda didn't need to be told thrice after that. She immediately organized the others and herded them through the back door marked "EMPLOYEES ONLY." As the last of the hangers-on (for lack of a better term) went through the door, he was heard to remark, "I know some people don't like FurryMUCK, but this is ridiculous!" Amanda turned towards Bob and said, "Be careful." Bob replied, "You know I will," as he put three API slugs into a X'hirjq Trooper's chest. Amanda then streaked through the door as the X'hirjq went down, its arms windmilling before it was trampled by the advancing second wave. Mongoose went for the door, seeing how utterly useless a first-generation Jihaddic sword was in a firefight. J-Rock said as he went under cover to reload his pistol, "We can't hold out much longer! JFox, get out of here! I'll cover you!" JFox responded with "Why should I run away? We can beat these clowns!" "We did our bit for bravery by blowing a few away. There's over a hundred of them, and now's the time for cowardice. Get moving!" With that, J-Rock sent more pale blue thunderbolts into the horde as JFox ran for the door. As if on cue, the incoming intensified, largely centering on the fleeing Praetor, who was shouting, "It's not a retreat, it's a strategic advance to the rear!" J-Rock then fell back towards the door, firing into the horde and watching the few rounds that did hit bounce harmlessly off his jacket. He was about to wave Bob through when he saw the leader. It was a big, black, 8-foot-tall lizard-looking thing with three-to-four-inch claws. It turned to look at a Wyrm-Minion, who then yelled to the horde, "Into the other service exits! Don't let the Praetor get away!" J-Rock's eyes widened in amazement. If this was just one big assassination attempt, wasn't the use of force just a bit MUCH? Bob went through the door and waited on the other side. But J-Rock's attention was fixed on a small, grey chinchilla scurrying on the floor. With one swift movement, he picked up the chinchilla by the scruff of its neck and addressed the X'hirjq leader. "See ya later, tall, dark, and scaly!" he said. "It's been real." And with that, he threw the chinchilla at the leader's head with all the force that he could muster. The chinchilla landed on the leader's face and dug in with its claws, biting at the leader's exposed right eye. J-Rock took advantage of the leader's sudden blinding to rush through the door and shut it. The leader thrashed around for awhile before pinning the creature to the wall with her claws. The large "Barney" pet door box then fell off the wall to land on the leader's head before hitting the floor. Her right eye already beginning to cloud up, the leader turned to see one of her men pull open the door. The cry of "DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!!" was sent a half-second too late as the grenade wedged between the knob and the jamb by Bob detonated, knocking those closest to the door back about five feet and shattering all the fish tanks. The unfortunate Trooper died a terrible death as the aquarium water washed over her burnt, blackened body. The Wyrm-Minion sergeant turned to speak to his leader. "What shall we do now?" he asked. "'What shall we do now?'" the leader replied. "I'll tell you what we're going to do now. We're going to split up and encircle those little shits. There will be no quarter. I want blood. I want to eat those Jihaddis' dead, burnt bodies! I want veins sticking out between my teeth! I WANT GENOCIDE!!!!!!" **************************************************************************** BACK IN ABILENE... # The Offspring "Gotta Get Away" _Smash_ P-Chan's Mustang hurtled towards Waco at all the speed that she dared muster. She looked into her rearview mirror just in time to see a Wyrm-Minion shoot a plasma rifle at her from the passenger window of a '68 Impala. The bolt would have impacted the back window, but the WEDJEE-made force shields stopped it before any serious damage could be done. Jesus! she thought. This guy's loaded for BattleMech! Her mouth tightened into a fine line as she brought up the recticle for the rear-mounted missile launcher. Lining up with the Impala, she tightened her fingers on both triggers. Two missiles sped forth from the rear bumper, heading straight for the Wyrm-Minions' car. The Impala swerved to avoid the missiles, but this only presented more of the car to the missiles. Both struck the passenger door, and the Impala flew onto its front wheels before rolling, flipping, and burning. P-Chan allowed herself a hint of a smile as she picked up the speed. That'll teach him not to tailgate, she thought. There were a few more problems, though. Like the state trooper that was right behind her, light bar blazing. Let's get real, she thought. A 5.0 WEDJEE-tech Mustang vs. a Chevy mega-sedan. No contest! And on that note, the Mustang launched into the air as the flight systems kicked in. P-Chan waved to the trooper in the rear-view as she climbed to Angels Two (that's 2,000 feet for you non-fighter-pilot types) and headed towards Waco. **************************************************************************** The vanguard was making good time through the service tunnels when the lights flickered and died. "They cut the power," breathed Mongoose. The emergency lights came on a half-second later, but the desired effect had been achieved. The hallways were now darker than they had been before. J-Rock turned to Bob and said, "How fast do you think you can get to your car from here?" "About two minutes, five if I'm cautious," he replied. "Do it, then," J-Rock said. "Take the noncombatants with you. We're gonna need some better firepower here." Bob ran off as J-Rock popped a couple of micro-capsules, revealing a set of claymore mines. "JFox, if you would help me set these up?" Just then, a pair of X'hirjq Troopers leaped out at the threesome! J-Rock snapfired his last PPC bolt at a Trooper, narrowly missing her head. Luckily for him, JFox lashed out with his Big Ass Claws, disembowling the trooper before slitting her throat. The other trooper swiveled to fire on the two, leaving Mongoose free to come up behind him. Mongoose said, "Your father's soul says hi... I JUST ATE HIM!!" as Triveritas sent the X'hirjq's head spiraling away from her body. Mongoose then stooped to pick up the two machine pistols that a Trooper was carrying as J-Rock reloaded the PlasmaTronix and JFox set up the claymores. Mongoose then picked up the second trooper's plasma rifle, saying "Now I have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho." A series of groans told 'Goose that he had quoted Die Hard without thinking. "We'd better head the way they came." "Why would you want to do that?" JFox queried. "Nonono, he's right," J-Rock answered. "If they came from ahead, then that means they're trying to trap us. No matter where we go, we'll run into the enemy. If we head down their path here, we may meet a lot less and break out of their little trap." "Oh. Lot of 'ifs' there, still." "I'm afraid that's all we can choose from at the moment. 'Goose, give Fox the plasma rifle. From what I've heard, this seems like one big assassination attempt, and they'll be a little less feisty if JFox has a better weapon." The three Jihaddi nodded to each other before J-Rock and Foxglov marched resolutely onward towards the advance squad. **************************************************************************** The X'hirjq leader moved her troops relentlessly onward, fixated on her goal of assassinating the Praetor and paralyzing Lord Barney's opposition with a single stroke. After the Praetor was dead, she would turn her attention to the blond-haired man who threw the chinchilla at her. It would be a slow, painful death, and she would enjoy administering it. She would rip his gonads off, gouge out his eyes, scoop out his brains, flay him alive, tear out his heart and eat it while it was still beating, she would... Suddenly, a furry humanoid figure darted out from behind a corner up ahead, firing two machine pistols into the ranks. "Asti spumante, baby!" shouted the Mystic Mongoose as he hosed many many X'hirjq before disappearing back behind the corner, barely avoiding the return fire. A sizable number of the leader's forces gave chase before the entire right side wall seemed to explode, smashing dead and dying Wyrm-Minions against the left side wall. The leader fumed with impotent rage. Already, she had lost half of her squad to this petty trap. These Jihaddi were getting to be real pains in the ass, she thought. She only hoped that the other half of her command would be able to intercept them. **************************************************************************** As it turned out, the Wyrm-Minion sergeant had split his squad up some more, all the better to cover the miles of tunnels. The main thing that was on his mind was the two scouts he had sent. It had been over 5 minutes, and they still hadn't returned.. wait, he heard footsteps. Two beings, moving cautiously. Those scouts had better come up with the Mother of All Explanations for this little escapade... **************************************************************************** J-Rock and Fox rounded the corner to find themselves staring at about twenty Wyrm-Minions. Both parties just stared at each other for a few seconds, unmoving. The sergeant's cry of "GET THEM!!!" broke the silence as Death dropped Her green flag, signalling the commencement of even more slaughter. Outside Richland Mall, Bob had just finished seeing Amanda and the rest of the noncombatants off when a blue Mustang came out of the sky, landed on the pavement, and drove over to where he was busy pulling out a bag full o' guns. The window rolled down, revealing a Chinese girl with a yellow polka-dot headband on behind the wheel. P-Chan said, "Where's J-Rock?" as she got out. "I'm supposed to meet him here.." "He's in the employee tunnels," Bob said, slinging the bag o' guns. "The entire mall is crawling with reptilian aliens, though." P-Chan just dug her umbrella out and said, "Beasties I can handle." "C'mon then," said Bob as he and P-Chan took off at full speed toward the mall entrance. He hoped that they weren't too late... **************************************************************************** Knee-deep in dead and dying Spongins, J-Rock caught a glimpse of Foxglov making his own sizeable dent in the reptilian wall, blasting one X'hirjq with his plasma rifle while slicing another Spongin open with the Big Ass Claws on his Glov'd left hand. What was pecuilar about this whole routine was that Fox was moving with a near-rhythm, which J-Rock took for his way of keeping his mind focused on the task at hand. J-Rock looked again, and saw that Fox's lips were MOVING. J-Rock strained to hear what the Praetor was saying, and managed to pick up the following from the din of battle: # 311 "Lucky" _Grassroots_ "We push a sucker out *shove* / With much force *jack* and much clout *rrkkk* / Didn't want to do it *blam* / That's not what were about *bap* / But we got to have a limit *slash* / How low can you get it *kick* / Seems about time to *hurk* / Change the subject *crack*" At length, JFox and J-Rock stood alone in the slaughterhouse that once was a service passageway. Mongoose came running to meet the two, breathlessly saying, "Those mines slowed them up some. They're about two minutes behind me, and closing fast." Just then, another hail of gunfire erupted, forcing the Jihaddi to seek shelter in another store. What awaited them was shelves upon shelves of shoes. Mongoose said, "What's next, Casual Corner?" "Actually, would it really be all that bad?" J-Rock replied as the group made for the mall concourse. The sound of running footsteps caused the three to whirl to face the source, guns at the ready. J-Rock exhaled sharply as he said, "P-Chan, Bob. Right on time, as usual." "On time for what?" P-Chan asked. "Right on time to save my ass, that's what," J-Rock said as a X'hirjq forced her way through the entrance to the storefront, only to get mowed down by combined fire. P-Chan opened her umbrella as she saw more fixing to come through the gap. She cast, and the umbrella sailed forth, sawing off a Wyrm-Minion's leg off at the hip before impacting a shelf and returning to her. The shelf began to topple, pinning the advance rank below a ton of shoes and metal. "That oughta hold 'em for a while," P-Chan said. Another hail of gunfire came from an entirely different direction. J-Rock looked up and saw that the leader's group had come out of the tunnels, firing as they came in. J-Rock chambered a grenade in the M-41A pulse rifle he had fished out of Bob's bag o' guns and fired. The grenade had its desired effect, sending Spongins flying into the kiosks dotted along the concourse. Still, the volume of fire was enough to force the Jihaddi back, as P-Chan ducked behind her umbrella only to be knocked back a couple of feet as a compressed plasma burst impacted it. # Blur "Intermission" _Modern Life is Rubbish_ Truly horrific combat ensued as the Jihaddi poured plasma, 10mm explosive slugs, and grenades into the hordes of Wyrm-Minions, only to face them in hydraesque numbers. For every Spongin splashed, it seemed that three more would rise up to take its place. At length, the horde had dwindled to thirty or so. The remnants of this once-proud armada charged the Jihaddi full-tilt, chanting "HONOR OR DEATH! HONOR OR DEATH!" And then things took a turn for the worse. JFox's plasma rifle overheated. Mongoose and Bob had run out of ammo and guns, and J-Rock was down to his last 20 bullets. As the hordes closed to melee with Mongoose and Bob, J-Rock ran the pulse rifle dry for the last time. Despite Mongoose snickersnacking limbs off the Minions and Bob's Jeet Kune Do attacks, they were beginning to be overwhelmed by fatigue and numbers. "P-Chan!" J-Rock called. "The Card! Use the Card now!" He then dropped into Boom Coming Over, drawing Da Sawblade and crying "Bob! 'Goose! GET DOWN!" JFox saw P-Chan extract a small metal card from one of her thigh pockets. Almost instantly, the specs on the Card began playing through his mind: The Bloody Card (tm) is a device roughly equating the dimensions and weight of a typical playing card. It is made of a tungsten-titanium alloy (although Jihaddium and Owsenite versions are available) with a monomolecular edge. Its ion drives can sustain it for two hours at a time at true airspeeds exceeding one hundred kilometers per hour, and it has rudimentary psychokinetic control. It is somewhat inaccurate, but quite effective for crowd control and popular among those with a flair for the dramatic. JFox simply muttered, "By the Three, I hope she knows what she's doing," and joined the other Jihaddi in assuming Boom Coming Over, making sure all three of his tails were not sticking up. P-Chan threw the Card, and the ion drives took over, their humming sound chilling the blood of even the toughest Jihaddi. The Card hurtled out in a broad sweep of death, flying at throat level. Fountains of red and phosphorescent blue-green blood spewed up into the sky in its wake. In a matter of moments, only the X'hirjq leader was left standing. And she was pissed. She reached out in an attempt to snag the weapon and turn it back upon its mistress, but she misjudged the timing and only ended up slicing off all the fingers on her hand. "YEEEAAARRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the leader cried. The Bloody Card returned to P-Chan, its mission accomplished. She deftly plucked it out of the sky, repocketing the blood-streaked weapon. Slowly, the rest of the group got up, amazed at their good fortune. Then the outside doors nearest them burst open, admitting a company of B'Horn Space Marines. Bob said to J-Rock, "I forgot to tell you. I used your JihadLinker to send for reinforcements." "What?" asked J-Rock, incredulous. "I just picked a name I found promising, and that happened to be the 187th FTL Cavalry." "Oh." The CO of the 187th FTL Cav said in his best commander's voice, "Hold it right there! Drop your weapon and you will be spared!" The X'hirjq only laughed her head off as she brandished her plasma pistol with her good hand. "I'd just as soon die, B'Horn!" With that, she placed the muzzle under her chin and pulled the trigger. "Well, that takes care of that," Mongoose said. "I'll be at my JihadLinker," JFox said. "I probably have the Matterhorn of messages to wade through." The CO turned to J-Rock and said, "Any more Lizards we should be worried about?" "No, Major K'ghan," J-Rock replied, looking over the devastation wrought by the battle. "Just bodies." **************************************************************************** A SHORT TIME LATER... JFox had piled in with Mongoose and Bob in his car. J-Rock had chosen to ride with P-Chan. There would be no rest for the weary, as their next stop was Austin, to go bail out Galand. His distress signal had something about a "Spam Monster." J-Rock had also sent the 187th FTL Cav back to College Station, both to warn the Wyldboyz and to retrieve J-Rock's Bahamode. JFox looked out the window and sighed. He just hoped that it wasn't too late for Galand... TO BE CONTINUED Credits ---------- Written by J-Rock Contributing Hassl^H^H^H^H^H.. er, Editors :) : P-Chan, JFoxglov All material copyrighted by the original author.