Operation Phoenix: The Battle of the Blockbuster. by Warrior Ashur Galand, steve_scott@mail.utexas.edu Chapter One: "A Quiet Normal Life..." ------------------------------------- Univ. of TX, Austin. Dept. of Theater & Dance 4:45PM CST Galand struggled with the bolt on the C-clamp of the lighting instrument before him. Sitting on the catwalks a good 30 or so feet above the stage, he swore softly as the light slipped down from its intended position. When he finally got it locked down, he called out, "Okay Dan...give me circuit 130 at 100%, please." A second later, the 6x9 Ellipsoidal Reflector Spotlight in front of him lit up, pure white. Grabbing the gelframe beside him, he slipped it into its slot on the front of the instrument. For a second, he thought he saw the light turn purple as he did so, but shaking his head, he saw it return to the cool blue it was supposed to be. He yelled down to the stage below, "Hey Shane...I gotta be at work soon...can I take off?" Shane called up from below, "Sure Steve...go ahead." "Thanks!" replied Galand, and he climbed the ladder down to the control booth, walked downstairs to the theater proper, grabbed his backpack, and left the building. ...Inside his backpack, his Jihadlinker was flashing RED ALERT, unnoticed. ***** As he walked to his car, he heard the Clock Tower's bells chime 5:00. For a brief moment, he could have sworn he heard the Tower ring out a hated song: "I love you...you love me..." Then it went back to the normal hourly chime. Shrugging, Galand plugged My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult into his Discman and strode towards the parking lot. ***** Blockbuster Video 6:30PM CST ----------------- Galand stood behind his counter, renting tapes to the occasional customer and chatting with his best friend Michelle. He thought how amusing it was to have to deal with not only her, but her computer-generated namesake aboard the _Wraith_. A customer came up to the counter, and he grabbed the tapes, involuntarily grimacing as he read the title of one: "Barney live in New York." He scanned them out, then looked up at the harried mother of two, both of which were alternately yelling "I WANT BARNEY!" and singing the Purple One's anthem. "That'll be $5.00, ma'am." Galand said as he grabbed the tapes to put them on the pickup counter. Suddenly, the Barney tape grew hot in his hands, and he dropped it, his hand smoking. Something was DEFINITELY wrong. He was in his "human" form, he wasn't using any of his Jihaddi skills, and still the cursed tape reacted badly. He excused himself, and went to the back office to run water over his hand. While back there, he dug his Jihadlinker out of his backpack, noted the flashing lights, and said, "Oh, shit." Meanwhile, outside the store, all Hell was breaking loose. A swarm of Sponge Minions, CyberMinions, and the like was converging on the store, weapons drawn and at the ready. They smelled him. They sensed him, and they would have him...oh, yes...they would have him. Inside, Galand's ears perked up, as his extrasensory impulses screamed madly. Leaving the office, he looked out the window. Normal people passed by the Minion Horde, totally unaware of the chaos about to ensue. Galand could see them, and THAT was what mattered. Casting secrecy aside, Galand shifted to his natural form, that of one of the more powerful species in the Universe...the Q. He saw customers and coworkers stare in shock as what appeared to be a normal run-of-the-mill Blockbuster clerk change into a towering figure dressed in red and black combat fatigues, a huge black broadsword, an even huger blaster rifle, and a swirling black cloak. Galand took a look at the Horde outside, and said "In the immortal words of Al Bundy..." "...Let's Rock!" With that, he strode out the exit door, DarkSword at the ready. He laid into the Minions immediately, spurting purplish- red blood everywhere. One sponge came running from him at the back, axe raised high, and Galand shove the dark blade backwards, point-first, skewering the sponge. After the first dozen or so fell, the rest of the group stood back, watching carefully. Galand opened up with his Particle Beam Rifle, disintegrating sponge after sponge, and leaving large smoking craters in the Blockbuster's parking lot. Michelle came running out of the store, yelling at him, "Stephen, what the fuck is going on here???" "'Chelle, get home...get to safety NOW." "Fuck that! I'm not leaving. You're being attacked by these...these whatever-the-fuck-they-are's, and I am NOT leaving you, bro." Pulling out a blaster pistol, he handed it to her and said, "Okay...but if it gets too hairy, you are outta here. No buts." They resumed fire, toasting sponge after sponge. A CyberSponge unloaded a rocket towards them, and they ducked letting it explode harmlessly behind them and blow the outside drop-box to bits. "Well, guess we won't have to check it anymore." Galand cranked the PBR to full power and fired a sustained blast at the CyberMinion. It writhed and screamed under the assault, and with its control circuitry fried, it opened up on anything that moved, including its own kind. It managed to toast the remaining CyberMinions and a goodly portion of the SpongeMinions before self-destructing. The rest of the Minions were milling about, wondering whether to run or to fight, most of them losing their continency in the process. Galand and Michelle quickly solved the debate for them by sending them to their Makers. "Whoa...ever consider joining the Jihad, sis?" asked Galand admiringly...she looked great with a smoking blaster in her hands. "Nahh...I'd get bored!" She replied sarcastically. Just then, a huge rumble shook the ground beneath them. Stepping up his vision, Galand peered across the street at the local HEB and saw something that both made him ready to fight and ready to run... A huge, pink quivering humanoid mass stood across the way, and strode towards them, its blotchy pinkish flesh jiggling with every step. A nauseating, meaty smell drifted on the wind towards the pair, making them retch. "Michelle...I think it's time for you to leave." "Why?" "Because you do NOT want to mess with that thing...it's big, it's ugly, and it's goddam near unbeatable." "What is it?" Galand took another look towards the meaty pink mammoth. It threw back its misshapen head and roared a challenge. "...It's a Spam Monster." "A WHAT?" "A Spam Monster. It spews endless amounts of senseless babble while breaking down your will. If you cut off one part of it, it can regenerate in a very short time. It stinks so much that people become nauseated so that they have to leave the immediate area. They were rare in the past, but unfortunately, they seem to be undergoing a population explosion. Their BabbleSpeak can cover a very wide area, so I think it's best if you and your mother blow town and get to your grandma's place in Iowa." "Screw that, Steve...I'm not leaving, I already told you." "Oh yes you are." and with a mental flick from him, and an indignant yelp from her, she was gone. Galand dug out his 'linker and signalled for reinforcements...the response was not good. Units were tied up worldwide, and all that could be spared was a squad of Reaper-Class BattleSuits. Galand confirmed the call, then stuck the 'linker back on his belt. He made a mental note to modify his normal pager to signal him when the Jihadlinker went off, after this was over....if he was still around to do it, that is. As Galand stood and waited for the monster, thoughts ran through his mind at the speed of light. [This is it...I may well die...] [*sigh* I hoped I wouldn't have to face this thing again.] [Well..here goes nothing. My best to the rest of the Jihad...] [Hmm...I wonder how they're doing...] [Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?] [Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam spam spam spam, lovelllyyyy spam, wunderful spaaaaam.] And with the Viking Spam Chant roaring in his ears, and the occasional shriek from a British woman ("I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!") Galand strode to face his enemy... TO BE CONTINUED. All material copyrighted by the original author.