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Here it is... (finally) Lemme know what you think of my first MiSTing. -- J-Rock
Scene: On the SOL. Mike and the 'bots are lounging around eating Twinkies after their latest movie screening.
<Mike> Why was that movie SO bad? (commercial sign flashes)
Four score seconds and seven Mentos ads later... (Deep 13)
<Dr. F.> Playtime's over, Connor MacLeod. Tell you what, let's get right to the invention exchange. |
<Frank> Sorry, Steve. <Dr. F.> Mike, your experiment this week is an unwanted, uncalled-for, unneccesary treatise by a PBS dinophile on the Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link: "The Purple Book". It's a pseudo-religous, doom-and-gloom nightmare from the Heart of Purpleness. Bon Appe-die! (Frank sends the post)
<Mike> AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! Posting Sign! (G...6...5...4...3...2...1...)
>From: jbyrd@well.sf.ca.us (John W. Byrd)
<Mike> What did Dr. Forrester mean by "PBS dinophile" and "nightmare from
the Heart of Purpleness"? >Organization: The Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link, Sausalito, CA <Tom> I got a bad feeling...
>Hi all friends of Barney!
<Crow> That answer your question, Mike? >Read this while eating a healthy snack!
<Mike> Wait a minute! There's no food in the theater!
>love, <Crow> (as doting grandmother) What a nice boy! (as himself) Kill him. >---------8><------8><-------8><-----------------------------------------
>For Immediate Release <Crow> Oh, they're based at Miskatonic University!
>Disclaimer: Medical problems should be addressed by a licensed
<Mike> Don't complain to your insurance company if you get trampled as all
the people walk out of the theater. >Do not read this document, under any circumstances.
<Crow> Even the writer himself acknowledges that it's bad... Uh oh...
>--------------- >1.0 The Purple Book: An Introduction
> Look around you. Really stop for a moment and examine your
(All turn their heads to the left, and then to the right.) > No, you didn't really stop and examine your environment, did >you? <All> We just did! Seriously!
>You just went right on, reading the next paragraph. That's (All turn their heads left, right, left, and right again)
<Tom> It's still dark, we're still in a movie theater... >1.1 Okay, Now You Can Read This <Tom> Like we have a choice.
> What quality do nearly all of the things that you see have in
> Would you think it necessarily impossible, bizarre, incredible
<Crow> We recently escaped from an insane asylum? >exactly what you are seeing, right now? We can. <Crow> You are seeing a completely silly and pointless post on your screen. >Two things are necessarily true of all the things that you perceive now.
> First. They were produced, all but 2.8% percent of them, by <Tom> Does everybody's e-mail come from the mads?
>And yes, this is the ABSOLUTE truth. Your clothes were made by someone <Mike> Aluminum siding from Sears...
>Turn on the Japanese-made television, if you like, and wade through hours of <Tom> I'd like to level the guy who wrote this.
>everything will be just hunky-dorey, just take your money and send it <Crow> I take it this guy supports Clinton's economic plan.
> Here's the second thing that's true of everything around you. <Tom> Reality Bites, starring Winona Ryder.
>When was the last time that you had a lollipop? Months? Years? Or are
<Crow> Therefore, I propose mandatory death at age eight.
>You had freedom to eat, sleep, and live. But now, things are <Mike> No women... (sighs)
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>Look at the things around you and see that your natural creativity, >intelligence, and zest for life has atrophied and withered since you >were ten.
<Mike> Crow, you're withering. >1.2 You Are Not You (Crow starts looking away from the screen in one of his boredom trances)
> You did not "grow up." YOU HAVE BEEN CHEMICALLY MODIFIED, <Mike> Where this post seems to be headed... >which occured on January 4, 1965. <Tom> Wait a minute! How are we supposed to know this? We were only created about 5 years ago! (Crow brings his attention back to the screen)
> You haven't heard about this accident. It's well enough that
<Crow> They're talking about the politics behind the Rodney King verdict!
>Suffice it to say, for the moment, that you are NOT responsible for losing >1.3 Tell Me About It Anyway <Crow> No, please don't! > Okay, okay. <Crow> Mike, I'm scared.
>It began in June of 1964 in Plain Fields, Colorado. <Tom> (in Dragnet voice) The names have been changed to protect the stupid.
>We don't suppose that you've ever heard of Dr. Adamil Kresshausen or the <Mike> Yeah, I've heard of them. They're part of my house back on Earth. >1.4 No
> Few people have. Dr. Kresshausen was involved in a secretly <Crow> A planet where paramecia evolved from man?
> When one of these paramecia is introduced into a laboratory <Tom> Then the animal becomes Beavis and Butthead...
>The animal no longer eats, runs, or plays with the vigor that it used <Mike> What's so fun about a dumb ole exercise wheel anyway?
> One thing was clear from these experiments: the RNA fragments <Crow> antieb-arnay? >(pronounced anti-barnee) <Tom> He's using HOOM vowels, Crow. >cells in a laboratory animal. > From the _South_Central_Colorado_Journal_of_Medicine_, 5:34-35:
> "The data indicate that while the RNA fragments in
> Shortly after Dr. Kresshausen published this article, he > No formal investigation was ever made. <Tom> To spare him the ridicule. >1.5 I Don't Get It: What Does This Have To Do With Me
> It has, unfortunately, EVERYTHING to do with you. On every <Crow> If your paramecium isn't there by 10:30 AM, the delivery's free!
> Excepting the darkest regions of Antarctica, there is now no
>place in the world where you can go to remove yourself from this <Tom> There's always autoclaving...
> Dr. Kresshausen's original notes have mysteriously vanished >1.6 This Has Got To Be a Joke
> But it makes too much sense. Life, it seems to you, has a <Crow> Excuse me, but was your life filmed in Shadowrama?
>You spend your days wanting something or someone to show you how to have FUN, <Tom> This post certainly seems to be heading in that direction.
>Parties, sports, entertainment are all predictable and > This is NOT YOU. This is NOT YOUR LIFE. <Crow> (in announcer's voice) We have secretly replaced these people with someone else.
>You are fun, intelligent, witty, desirable, creative. All these qualities >1.7 So Why Hasn't Anyone Figured This Out Before? > Two reasons.
<Mike> Nobody has as much free time as I do and nobody is as stupid as I am.
>First, this immunological disease happens to EVERYBODY, between the ages of <Crow> Much like the logic of this post.
>Assuming you don't die in a car crash or get shot in a convenience-store <Tom> They're stupid.
>everyone suffers from the same illness. You hate feeling lonely and empty and
> Actually, some people do go to their doctors, but the doctors
> The second reason why no one has discovered this disease is <Mike> Did you just describe the inside of your skull?
> Your happiness has been taken from you. The conspiracy >2.0 Okay, How Can I Get Help? > That's the easy part. <Tom> The first one's always free.
> You have to become a child again. You have to get back that
> In other words, you have to totally eradicate all the > If you haven't met Him yet, we envy you.
<Crow> Who the hell are they talking about? >But the cure for your malady is <Mike> (in Texan accent) A couple Advil, and those muscle aches are long gone.
>a purple dinosaur. He lives, and he is the only scientifically proven <Crow> Boring the adult population of America.
>eradicating the antib-RNA paramecia. He is your link with your childhood, >2.1 Meet Barney
> Barney loves you. Accept this as the first, most fundamental > Barney is a big, friendly,
<Tom> treacly,
>beautiful purple dinosaur. You may have heard Him singing happily, on the <Crow> He's really Michael Jackson inside that suit.
>they are the ones who are most naturally free of the antib-RNA paramecia. <Tom> Except a large share of the telethon pledge proceeds. >Barney works for free! <Crow> Hey, how would you know that if you haven't watched a PBS station around pledge time?
> And the children love Barney. You can see it. Just plop down <Tom> Yes, the regular schedule is to prepare kids for their boring, tedious adult jobs!
> Barney is the antithesis of crime and poverty and malnutrition <Crow> Dumber than a can of canned cling peaches.
>a happy family, and that we should combine our love and power, united, <Tom> With liberty, and Purple for all.
>How much better would the world be if we did this? How many nights of fear
<Tom> You're better off under the umbrella.
> Barney's smile is the first thing you will see. The grin <Crow> And makes you want to puke.
>His happiness permeates you like a golden ray of
<Mike> Excuse me, but what would _you_ know about normalcy?
>Then you see Barney's eyes, round and full of kindness, reminding you of <Tom> Bedtime. They look half asleep.
>pleasant games and stories that you haven't thought of since you were just
>2.2 But Barney Is a Kid's Show
> Yes. And you need to love Him immediately.
> Thugs on the street, with twenty-four gauge shotguns
<Crow> Mike, what the hell is a 24-gauge shotgun?
>and cellar smiles, need to love Barney. Killer prostitutes with AIDS and
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> Barney contains the will, the plan, the FORCE to cleanse your >nervous system of the vile antib-RNA paramecia. The thrilling shock, >the immaculate ZAP of The Great Purple One coarsing through your >spinal cord is enough to FRY THOSE PARAMECIA instantly. <Tom> And he makes great julienne fries! >Want to LIVE FOREVER?
<Crow> (as Sally Struthers) Sure, we all do!
> Oh, but Barney is for kids, right? Well. If you haven't <Mike> You leave my conception out of this! >You need to be REBUILT in the image of the Perfect Purple! <Crow> (as Igor) Need to find a brain for the creature.
> You think Barney is kid's stuff? Well, less than one month <Tom> A figment of your imagination.
>Barney's utter dedication to pushing the envelope in bioengineering >2.3 Where Is Barney?
> It is true that Barney can, and often does, exist in material <Mike> Will we be seeing commericals in which a shadow man gives his girlfriend a Barney doll on CC anytime soon?
> If you take but one step towards Barney, Barney will take two <Crow> (in announcer's voice) Barney: Big Friendly Dinosaur, or CIA spook?
> Barney has a vast unmapped network of minions, always <Tom> Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
>If you reach out to Barney, chances are that a minion will be there to take
> Because of this network of pure love, Barney can never be <Crow> That's easy. Oh MegaWeapon!!!!
> Speak softly, and Barney will hear. Request instructions on <Mike> Do we walk in, or do we have to call ahead?
> Barney loves you. Barney loves you more than any other
<Tom> More that any other QUADRUPED?!??!? >Won't you say you love Him too? <All> NO. >2.4 Don't Know Yet
> If there is one thing in the world that Barney would like to
<Tom> Get on all three major networks.
>destroy all antib-RNA. These are the tools of sadness, the genesis of pain <Tom> You forgot John_-_Winston, Stephen Ratliff, and Robert McElwaine!
>Barney Research Medical Laboratories have worked around the clock since <Tom> We are experiencing appalling technical difficulties. Do not try to adjust your TV set.
> Barney wants to help you. Barney is giving his very existence
> And Barney knows that every minute, every second is absolutely >3.0 In the Near Future
<Mike> Next Sunday, A.D.?
> We should warn you, first of all, that the future may not be
> The most usual, most constant natural catastrophes in the <Tom> Judd Nelson is... Relentless.
>Our understanding of the earth's crust and its movements
> Recent earthquakes are a series of PLANNED ATTACKS on our <Tom> So are shows like Beverly Hills, 90210.
>The final one WILL COME ON DECEMBER 12, 1999, AT 0534 GMT. This will be a <Crow> I guess Snoopy has nothing to fear.
> After this final attack, the Wuns will travel to the surface
> Barney is apparently aware of their social structure and even > And panic is the last thing you need to do right now. <All> AUUUUUUGHHHH! >3.1 Should I Stock Up on Water and Supplies
> Sure, and after the Quake you will be hunted down by the Wuns <Mike> Well, it beats reading posts like these.
> Barney can't protect you from the Quake. But he can protect
<Tom> To roll on the floor laughing. >cringing and scurrying for cover.
> If Barney Research Medical Laboratories fails to create an
> But if you don't know Barney by 1999, you will eventually be <Crow> Hey! I get to decide who lives and who dies! I called dibs!
> Barney Research Medical Laboratories has prepared a secret
<Crow> Tonya Harding's skating career.
>the Quake. More important, He has designed and constructed
> After the Quake, people will be banging on the sole, <Crow> Wait a minute, tears aren't purple! Barney must have food coloring in his tear ducts...
>for the lost souls outside, who could have loved Barney before the Quake, but >3.2 How Do I Get In
> Love Barney as much as He loves you. You must sing songs of > Be like Barney in all things. <Mike> Does this mean I have to shave my head and paint myself purple?
>Naturally, your teeth may not be as big as Barney's teeth. Barney <All> (in schoolyard teasing voices) Doesn't have big teeth, doesn't have big teeth...
> Share all your things. Cooperate. It is also important to > Buy Barney merchandise.
<Tom> That's "merchandi$e"!
>If you do not have enough money to buy Barney merchandise, you can make your <Tom> And you can bootleg the finished product for heaps of cash! > Don't pick your nose. Barney can't stand people who pick >their noses. (Mike picks his nose) > Spread the good word of Barney. SPREAD THE PURPLE BOOK, <Crow> Let's not and say we did.
>to as many relatives, co-workers, and friends as possible.
<Tom> ...them in the fridge in case he's hungry later.
>score for you. When you meet an enemy of Barney, give them The Purple <Crow> Then again, you might enjoy a nice stay in the hospital.
> If you feel the urge to eat an unhealthy snack, immediately <Mike> Domino's Pizza. They get here in a hurry.
>your nearest minion. They will immediately bring you carrot
> To let Barney know that you are ready to join Him in the next
> "I love you, you love me, <All> (singing) I would do anything for love... but I won't do that. >3.3 Barney's Prayer
> "Blessed are the minions, for theirs is the kingdom of Purple. >3.4 A Message from Barney > "Hello! <All> Hi Barney!
>I think you're super-dee-duper! I want you to know that I love you.
> "Do you love me? I wish you would! I bet that if you loved
<Tom> But will you still love me if I don't buy any merchandi$e?
>Merchandise means all the dolls and books and records that have me ...
> "If you don't love me, that's okay! But I don't know if I can <Crow> (as Curly) You don't say.
> "You are my very special friend. There's only one of you in <Crow> Well, the feeling's not mutual. > ---Barney <All> Bye, Barney! >3.5 Conclusion > Barney is life; antib-RNA is death.
> Barney is capable of saving you from ultimate destruction from <Crow> ...Sanctuary? >protection, except the protection of Barney.
> Barney would use his purple forces to make you join him, to
> Barney can rejuvenate you, give you hope, show you which > The facts are clear. Delay no longer. <Tom> In getting out of here. C'mon, guys. (They leave the theater -- 1...2...3...4...5...6...G)
<Crow> That post read like a religious tract!
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(Deep 13. Frank's outfit is now purple. He is wearing a hat that resembles the top half of Barney's head. He is also kneeling and bowing in worship before a life-size Barney doll while clenching a celery stalk between his teeth. There is a plate of carrot sticks and a glass of milk off to one side of him.)
<Frank> I love you, you love me... (Dr. F. produces a cattle prod and pushes the button as he rears to strike) WOOOOOSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH <Frank> Won't you say you'll love me to-- (BZZZZTTT) AAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHH! - Finis
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Original Article by: John Byrd Remember: If you don't like any of this, you can come try to kill me with a forklift. -- J-Rock
>Disclaimer: Medical problems should be addressed by a licensed |