******
The Marraketh Connection
Author: Maruchan
"Unless They're Idiots (Why Bother To Think When You Can Write Bad
Fiction?)"
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	"As usual, Mr. Gourry, you didn't stop to think things through."
		--Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun, "Slayers" the TV series

	"Dammit!  Who was that stupid idiot we just sent in?"
		--Lieutenant Yamamoto, "Irresponsible Captain Tylor"


	Somewhere in the vast expanse of Marraketh, two rangers lay on a
hill, staring out at the sky: a tall man wearing little oval glasses, and
his companion, a little fluffy-haired girl.  The man appeared to be deep
in thought.  The girl was lying down with her feet pointed up the hill,
and appeared to be oblivious.

     Theseus frowned.  "I think it must be somewhere to the north-west,"
he muttered worriedly.  "We might be able to find it if we head in that
direction and keep our eyes open. If we can find the mountains we should
be alright.  I figure we've lost a day at most. If we get really lucky we
might be able to find Rhye." He paused for a moment. "I just hope we
aren't too late..."

	Maru sat up and dusted herself off.  "Hey...don't worry," she
smiled quizzically at Theseus.  "I'm sure we'll all be fine..."

	Theseus smiled ruefully at his companion.  "And how do you know?"

	"I don't know.  Same as the way you know we need to go to the
north-west,"  Maruchan grinned, and paused.  When Theseus didn't say
anything, she continued,  "You think I'm crazy, don't you?"  After awhile
she added, "Well, never mind that.  I just know...that somehow, we'll get
to Rhye.  Those people out there.  They'll have to get us out of this
subplot eventually."

	"Unless they're idiots."

	"Unless they're idiots.  Come on, we'd better set up camp at the
base of this hill."

				***********


	They say that the home of the gods is a beautiful place.

	Mere mortals, however, have to do with less satisfactory living
conditions.  

	It actually wouldn't have been so bad if they hadn't had to stay
there for so long, but it was obvious that the girl, the nerd-guy, and the
guy with the glasses had been there for quite some time.  A pile of
papers, bottles, and Chinese take-out boxes lay on the small round table
between them.  Crumpled-up papers and candy wrappers were scattered on the
floor around them, and the taste of old oil emanated from the pile of
papers.  For some reason, it smelled like cows.

	"So...why don't we let them use their teleportation skills?" The
girl with the pokey hair yawned and looked questioningly at the other two
men.  

	"Because that would be fairly uninteresting and it would suggest
that we didn't know what we were...ow!"  The nerd-guy rubbed the back of
his head.  "What was that for?"

	The guy with the glasses frowned.  "Shhh!  She might hear..." he
whispered, glancing towards the back of the room at a woman wielding a
whip in her right hand and a small metallic box in her left hand by a
stick stuck to the middle of the top surface.

	"Then...what are we going to do?  And where'd you go off to with
your egg rolls and your mecha?" the girl turned to the nerd.

	"Well..."

	The guy with the glasses interrupted.  "Wait...I think I know how
we can get out of this real easy and make it look like we're working," he
whispered.  "If I remember correctly, we've got an appointment...All we
have to do, see, is..."  He dug through the pile on the table.

	"Is...?"

	All three looked up to find the woman looming menacingly over the
mess of grease-stained papers and half empty-Jolt bottles.

	"Ummm..."

	The woman raised one eyebrow and smacked the butt of her whip on
the table.  "You know, you three are already behind schedule...you're
going to have to do something about that.  Otherwise..." she trailed off,
glancing meaningfully at the whip.  The three at the table looked at each
other nervously.

	"So..." she smiled, "what are you going to do now?"

	"Uhhh...Run away!  Run away!"

	There was an ominous clap of thunder, followed by the yells of
three people as they ran away from the irate woman with the whip and the
stamp.

				*********

	"Heh, we did a pretty good job, considering."  Maru grinned and
stood back, admiring the tent.  

	"Considering I was the one doing most of the work," Theseus
teased, giving her an idiotic grin.

	"Quiet, silly boy, I'm the one with the hammer," Maru retorted,
returning his idiotic grin.  

	"Is that a threat?"

	"Yeah, you bet your ass it is!"

	"In that case..." Theseus hopped up onto a rock and drew his hand
up towards his face to reveal a victory sign, "I will punish you!"

	Maru jumped up onto a rock opposite him and laughed evilly.
"Sailor Scout, prepare to die!"  She waved her hands in front of her
randomly and finally settled for a flare-arrow gesture.  "Super-Duper Evil
Negaverse Magic," she started, but paused to make sure that her pinky
fingers were extended.  They were.  She continued, "Uh, like I said.  Come
forth!  Fire blast!"

	Theseus grinned.  "Your evil magic is no match for me!  As an ally
of Justice, I will whomp your butt...I mean, Justice will prevail!" He
clasped his hands together and pointed his index fingers towards his
enemy.  "Now --hah-- feel the wrath of my...bubbles!  Uh...bubbles?"  He
stared at his fingers in disbelief.  "Bubbles?  How the hell...?"

	Maru laughed evilly, knowing that through the magic of bad
Americanized Japanese tv shows, she would have more than enough time to
recite a monologue and/or assemble a megazord before he recovered.  "Your
magic won't work against me!  Too bad Tuxedo Mask isn't here to save you!"
She stood silent for a moment to tease Theseus, knowing full well that he
wouldn't be able to move until she was done speaking.  "Now...stupid
Sailor Scout," she spoke slowly, deliberately, and cheesily, "it's
time...to meet...your...DOOM," she yelled, and leaped into the air towards
her foe.

	"Noooo!"  Theseus yelled, and defying gravity, jumped to meet her
mid-air.

	They saw the same scene from three camera angles.

	Whack.

	Whack.

	Whack.

	The two rangers collided in the air and crashed down to earth in a
flurry of legs and arms, a cloud of dust rising around them.  They rolled
around in the dirt for awhile before finally disentangling themselves.  

	Maru sat up and rubbed her forehead.  "You know, we're idiots."

	"You are, maybe..."

					***************


	"She fell from the sky...she fell very far.
	 And Kansas, she says is the name of the star."
			-Glenda the Good Witch, "Wizard of Oz"


	Maru yawned and stretched.  "First hour of my watch," she thought,
"and already I'm falling asleep.  Shouldn't have let meat-ball head go to
sleep first."  She stood, and walked a little ways from the tent to stare
out into the foreshadowing of the growing twilight.  

	She wondered where the rest of the rangers were.  Somewhere out in
the dark, or had they already gotten to Rhye?  And were they even alive?
She shook her head.  No, they had to be.  Katze would be uncomfortable,
but at least she was more or less safe -- they wouldn't dare to kill her,
or else they would have done so already.  No doubt Red and Bryn were well
on their way to finding her, and the others would be making their way to
Rhye alright.  But Calc...

	Calculus would be fine.  He knew how to take care of himself,
something most other people had no clue about.  But where was he?  If the
sponges had captured him, what were they doing to him?  Or what was he
doing to them?

	There was something moving up ahead.  Maru tensed and shallowed
out her breathing.  What was it?  She could barely make it out in the
moonless night.  No, it was the wind blowing through a clump of grass.

	Come to think of it, the wind sounded almost human, like someone
yelling.  And it was getting louder...it wasn't the wind.  In fact, it
sounded like...Maru snapped her head up to look at the sky.

	In the middle of 500 miles of plains, someone fell through the sky
and landed smack on top of Maru's head.

	"Dammit!  Get off!  Get off!"

	Theseus came running out of the tent to see his companion rolling
around in the dirt again, this time with another vaguely human-like thing
on her back.  "What!?"

	"Stupid writers!  Dammit...ow!"

	"Rolling around in the dirt again...job stress must be getting to
her," he muttered.  He ran to Maru and pulled the human off of her back.
"Hey!  Tuxedo Mask came to save me, after all!" he yelled in Maru's ear.

	Maru sputtered.  "Huh?  That's not fun..." She glanced at the
person who had fallen and yelped.

	"Calc!" Theseus stared in disbelief.  "What...?"

	"What, no hellos?"  Calc grinned.  "Ow."

	"I..."  Thes goggled.  "Uh...what happened?  Calc, where'd...how
did you end up here?"

	"He fell from the sky."  Maru groaned.  "Out of all the places he
could have landed, he fell right on top of my head."

	"Oh.  Well, no damage done then, right?"  Maru gave Theseus a
dirty look.  "Sorry...are you okay?  I don't get it...both of you should
at least be unconscious, and Calc probably should have smashed you coming
down.  Not only that, but why should Calculus have landed here instead of,
say, in those mountains over there?"

	Calculus shrugged.  "Bad fan-fic physics.  The good guys never get
hurt.  That is, unless it adds to dramatic irony or something.  And as for
the landing site...we're probably in a field of very high P.C. energy."

	"P.C.?"  Theseus asked, confused.

	Maruchan sighed.  "Plot contrivance." [1]

					**************

	The rangers, after Calculus had explained his whereabouts for the
past day, got up and went into the tent to discuss their next moves.  It
was a logical thing to do.

	Calculus spoke first.  "Well...it's nice to be back.  Anyway.  Our
first priority would be getting ourselves un-lost, and on our way to
Rhye."

	"So...can't you just teleport us out of here?" asked Thes.

	"Well, that's the problem.  My magic usage was really messed up
where the sponges were keeping me, and I need something to make it work
again.  Some sort of surprise."

	Calc paused for a moment.  "NO, Maru, sneaking up behind me and
yelling 'Boo!' isn't going to work."

	"I wasn't going to...!" Maru started to protest, but looked down
at the floor instead.  "It doesn't matter, anyway," she said quietly. 

	"What?"  Calculus looked at her curiously.  "What do you mean...?"

	Maru looked up.  "Remember, I told you...both of you, once, that
there were people out there?  That they were the ones who got us lost out
here...?"  Calculus and Theseus looked bemused.  

	"Maru..." Theseus ventured.  

	"You know we're not going to get out of here!  We're lost!" Maru
said forcefully.  "There's no way we can get to Rhye on our own!"  She
looked down at her feet and continued quietly.  "It's because...they all
had different ideas.  That's why we're here, by ourselves, so that we
could all do the different things they wanted.  And...some of them decided
to have all of us do certain things.  Everything that happens here is
already set for us..." she paused, "because the ones who are in charge of
us are idiots!"  She sighed.  "They were slacking off the entire time, and
now they have to try to fit with the plot.  That's why...it doesn't matter
if your magic is gone.  Because we're going to get out of here some other
way."  She stood up.  "There's nothing left for us to do now but sleep,
and wait for something to happen."  

	"Maru...are you feeling okay?" Calculus asked concernedly.

	Maru answered his question with a small smile.  "Maybe tomorrow
they'll write me back to my usual manic self.  I'll wake you up when it's
time for your watch."

	Calculus frowned thoughtfully as he watched her stumble out of the
tent.  "Hrm..." he mused.  "She's getting into that wonderful angsty mode,
isn't she?"

	Theseus shuddered.  "I hope not..."

	"Hrm?"

	"This fic is bad enough already."


---
[1] It's probably not a strict plot contrivance, more like bad cartoon
physics, but it'll do.