Col Sanford.

Operation: Homefront, Hall of Infamy

**********************************************************************
    As the Greyhound bus bearing Colonel Sanford pulled into the Mar-
ket Street bus depot, Pam's familiar face came into view.
    The bus almost pulled away with his sea bag while they embraced.
    After retrieving the sea bag they loaded the old Skylark and drove
off to their apartment in the country.
    "So just how did you manage to get from your ship here?" Pam asked
once they wer
keep your return quiet, but I don't think having a shuttle come down
from orbit is quiet."
    "Oh, there's an old LOD Trooper on a disability pension who owns a
small sailboat out near Montauk Point," Rick Sanford replied.  "I just
left him a message to meet me about 20 miles out.  The shuttle came
down in the Atlantic and skimmed the sea until we found him.  He took
me in and helped me get a train to Port Authority.  From there, it's
easy."  After a few moment's of silence, Rick asked, "Is something
wrong?"
    Pam was silent another ten seconds before, "I was going to ask you
that.  You usually give me more warning before you come down, and your
message said you had to keep this visit quiet.  What _is_ going on?"
    Colonel Sanford considered saying that he couldn't say...no, Pam
was far too important to him to keep her in the dark.  *She's one of
the reasons I'm still in the Legion.  I can't _not_ share.*  "It's not
good.  There's a new
minutes summarizing the Real Big Nice Making Array and what it would
do.
    "Is one of these-'array elements' I think you called them-anywhere
around here?"
    "According to LT Forbes-I think you've spoken with him-it's prob-
ably in Oneonta.  If not," he sighed, "it could be anywhere between
here, Sidney, Cooperstown, Stamford, and Delhi.  I sure hope that it's
here.  Searching Oneonta alone is bad enough."
    "How are you going to find it?"
    "With this."  He pulled a small box out of his coat pocket.  It
had a gauge, an on/off switch, and a folding loop antenna.  "It's very
short-ranged, but it is directional, and it'll tell me if I'm anywhere
within a kilometer of the thing.  I plan to drive all of Oneonta's
streets until it beeps.  If it's not in the city, Dad has a few small
plane enthusiast friends.  I'll get one of them to fly me over the
countryside."
    Pam digested that for the rest of the trip back to their appart-
ment
about Barney-"
    "Don't say that name aloud!  He might come, and believe you me, if
he comes for you, it won't be pleasant."
    "Sorry, It-of-the-one-tooth, and I don't understand what all the
fuss is about.  I mean the show is pretty bad, but that's hardly rea-
son for a large military.  I thought you fought aliens like the
X'hir'jq."
    Colonel Sanford shuddered, "Sorry, memories of Norfolk.  Yes we do
fight aliens-if they're the Purple Peril's allies, which the Lizards
were when they first invaded.  Pam, I know what the show looks like,
and if it were just that, I'd agree with you, but that show is just a
front.  It's a gigantic brainwashing and recruitment tool masquerading
as an educational program.  I've seen what happens to people who get
ensnared by the Beast's 'luv'.  It's like they've had a lobotomy of
all their emotions except an almost manic cheerfulness...until some-
thing goes wrong, then they act like 
caught in the woods at night, and they're always crying out for It.
They can't think, they can't feel anything except 'luv' for the Violet
Vermin or confusion and terror...It's frightening to see."
    Pam clearly thought Rick was exaggerating but decided not to
argue.  Instead, she settled down to more...satisfying activities.

                                  * * *

    From the Oneonta _Daily Star_ police blotter three days later.
"Held and released: Richard D. Sanford Jr., of Mt. Vision, on suspi-
cion of loitering.  Mr. Sanford was questioned regarding his repeat-
edly driving throught the SUCO-Hartwick College area of Oneonta.  Mr.
Sanford was released because, according to Sgt. Collins of the OPD,
'He convinced me he had legitimate business in the neighborhood.'"

                                  * * *

    "Sergeant, I was merely _looking around_.  I did not stop in any
one place for more than ten seconds and I never blocked traffic.  Just
what do 
    Sgt. Collins was an obviously intelligent man and knew that wasn't
the whole story.  "I'm more interested in what you were 'looking
around' for.  You were searching for something, and you were using
this," he indicated the tracker, "to do it with."
    "Sgt., what I'm looking for may not even be in Oneonta, and I'm
not sure just what you could do even if it were here.  Besides, this
really is somewhat hush-hush."
    "I've heard about you Jihaddi and that you had some role in the
Lizards leaving Earth, but I've yet to see anything about you that
justifies you wandering my city doing what you please."
    "Good, I hope you never do see reason for us to come here in
force."

                                  * * *

    A few days later, Pam and Rick were eating dinner at Rick's
father's house in Bloomville.  The chicken cacciatore was particularly
good.
    "Mike Jacobs would love to take you flying this weekend, Rick, but
I don't see w
thing like that."
    "Dad, my pilot's license isn't exactly FAA."  Rick laughed.  "Fly-
ing a ship and flying a plane are very different skills.  Besides,
I'll need to keep the tracker going."
    "Ok, Rick, just be at the Delancy field tomorrow at ten."
    "Want to play Uno, Rick?" said the hopeful blond pixie at Rick's
elbow.
    "Sure Abby," Rick smiled, "I believe the last time we played you
tricked me out of 200 points, and I can't let my little sister do that
to me."  He started shuffling the cards.  "It's against the Big Bro-
ther's code."

                                  * * *

    They had started at Oneonta and worked their way out in a spiral
pattern.  Mike was clearly getting a bit fed up with the seemingly
aimless wandering.
    Colonel Sanford was reflecting on how pretty Lake Otsego was when
the tracker started beeping.  "Mike, make a 90 degree turn to the
left.  I think we've found something."
    Colonel Sanford ke
for several minutes, but there was little doubt about where the signal
was coming from: Cooperstown.

                                  * * *

    Rick and Pam were standing outside the building that their trian-
gulation had pinpointed as the location of the array element.  Rick
was shaking his head disgustedly.  "I should have known.  Leave it to
the Purple Puke Inducer to corrupt a perfectly good institution."
    The tracker was pointed straight at the Baseball Hall of Fame.
    "How are you going to search there?  It's not exactly private,"
Pam asked.  "Thousands of tourists come here every year."
    Rick grinned, "That's exactly how *we're* going to search it-as
just another couple of tourists."  He took off his old, leather coat
and threw it over his arm to cover the tracker.  "It's unseasonably
warm anyway."  They linked arms and bought tickets.

                                  * * *

    The guard never got tired of watching al
itors.  At present he was watching a nice, young couple in the Cy
Young room.  The man occasionally whispered in the woman's ear, and
she would invariably giggle and give him a look that made the guard
(his name was Parker) wish his own girlfriend were here.
    The shift captain came into the monitor room.  The guard didn't
like him very much.  The shift captain was always way too cheerful and
he didn't seem to have too much weight above his shoulders.  Still,
Parker thought, he's pretty good at following and keeping "normal pro-
ceedure" on track, and that procedure had kept the Hall of Fame pretty
secure.
    The shift captain looked at the monitors, as was routine, but when
he got the the Cy Young room monitor he did a double take.  "Who's
that?" he asked.
    "Looks just like another tourist couple.  Here to see 'The "Past"
in the National Pastime'."
    "I don't like him.  He looks mean."
    "He does?"  Parker looked closer, "He does look like
for something specific, but a lot of visitors want to find a particu-
lar exhibit."
    "Keep an eye on him," the shift captain said.  Then he left.
    "That was weird," Parker muttered.  He took a few more looks at
other monitors.  Then went back to the couple...that's odd...the man
was looking at his hand...there was something in it that the jacket
had covered until now...and the woman was nowhere to be seen...Parker
grabbed his nightstick and went to check it out.

                                  * * *

    "Sir, may I see that, please?"
    Colonel Sanford looked up from the tracker, startled.  He'd been
trying to get another triangulation and had been absorbed in the read-
out, when the guard had spoken, right at his elbow.
    "Mr...Parker," he said, looking at the guard's nametag, "Is some-
thing wrong?"
    "I'd just like to see that, sir."  The guard was resting in the
"interrogation" position, stick in its ring holder, but left hand on
the butt, ready to dra
    Colonel Sanford, briefly considered refusing, but that would give
the guard more reason to be suspicious.  Besides, even if he took the
tracker apart, it wouldn't give him reason to suspect he was trying to
blow something up.  "Sure, here."  Colonel Sanford handed the tracker
over.
    The guard looked the tracker over.  Colonel Sanford was composing
an answer to the obvious next question when he noticed that Pam wasn't
in the room.  "Excuse me, Mr. Parker, but have you seen my girlfriend?
She was here a moment ago."
    The guard looked up.  "I was going to ask you that very question,"
he said, suspiciously.
    "You didn't see her go?"  Now Colonel Sanford was beginning to
worry.  *If there's a Sponge Minion in the staff he could have kidnap-
ped Pam to...I need this man as an ally and right now.*  "Mr. Parker,
I need to show you something."  He pulled out a Legion ID card and
spent the next few minutes explaining what the tracker was and what he
was doing in the 
    "I've heard of you Jihaddi...in all the jokes my friends and I
tell when we've had a few beers.  Do you really expect me to believe
that story?"
    "Mr. Parker, It really doesn't matter whether you believe in the
Jihad or not.  Right now all I need you to do is help me find her.  If
I'm right she's in trouble."  Colonel Sanford thought fast.  "Mr. Par-
ker, is there anyone on the staff who acts so cheerful all the time
that you could strangle him and seems not to be all there upstairs?
Maybe he goes around humming _This Old Man_ all the time, but in a
very slow tempo?"
    The guard was startled at this, but quickly resumed a poker face.
"We're discussing what you're doing here."
    "There is, isn't there?"  It wasn't a question.  "You don't like
him very much, do you?  He sometimes seems suspicious, doesn't he?"
    Parker looked even more uncomfortable.  "I think you're trying to
stall me!"  he said belligerently.
    Colonel Sanford took a wild guess, "He's the on
check me out, isn't he?  Well, I've got news for you, Mr. Parker.
You're right to be suspicious of him.  He's using you and the Hall of
Fame for a very Bad Thing(tm).  Now you can either help me find out
what he's doing and where he took Pam or you can just sit here and
deal with your conscience for the rest of your life."  He let that
sink in for a bit.  "According to my tracker, the Array element is
below us.  Is there a basement storeroom?"
    "Well...yes, but-"
    "Good, let's go."

                                  * * *

    The door was ajar when they got there.  "What the-this is supposed
to be locked," Parker said, surprised, "And anybody who goes down
there is supposed to check in with the guards.  What the hell is going
on here?!"
    "Why don't we go down and find out?" Colonel Sanford said reason-
ably.  "You may want to have your nightstick out."
    Parker looked unhappy.  He glared at Colonel Sanford and said,
"All right, but you go first."
    "Fair enough
coat pocket and threw his jacket over his arm to hide it.
    "What's that for?"
    "Just in case we need some music."
    "Why would we-oh, never mind."
    Colonel Sanford slowly pushed open the door.  There was a narrow
stairway, open at the bottom.  Colonel Sanford started down the stairs
with Parker and his nightstick behind.  At the bottom, Colonel Sanford
flattened himself against the wall and then peered around the corner.
    The array element was there, and right next to it was Pam, tied to
a chair, gagged, blindfolded, and with a set of headphones over her
ears.  She was twisting madly, trying to get out.  There was nobody
else in the room, at first glance.
    "Stay here and cover me," Colonel Sanford whispered.  He ran over
to Pam and ripped the earphones off.  He had to wince as the Hell-
wyrm's War Chant came out of them.  Quickly, Rick ripped the earphones
out of the cassette player.  Then he removed the blindfold.  Pam
eyes were panicky until she saw him.
    "I'll have you out of here in no time," Rick said, kissing her on
the forehead.  He started removing the gag.
    "Is she all right?" Parker asked.
    Colonel Sanford turned to see Parker standing almost right next to
him.  There was a movement in the shadows.  "Behind you!" Rick called
out.  Parker turned just in time to see the Shift Captain smash his
forehead with a nightstick.
    Rick groped wildly for the CD player, which he'd had to put down
to help Pam, but had to roll out of the way of the nightstick.  He
jumped to his feet and backed away.
    It was always unnerving, hand-to-hand combat with a Spongie who
had that insipid grin on his face.  Rick rehersed the old move in his
head and hoped that Staff Sergant Slusser had been right.  The Shift
Captain brought his stick down...Rick grabbed his wrist, yanked back-
wards and brought the heel of his other hand down hard on the sponge's
elbow.  The spongie yelped and flew forward, landing in a 
    Rick dashed back to where he'd left the CD player and turned it
on, full blast.

*Cue "Dream On". _Areosmith's Greatest Hits_*

    The Spongie, who'd been trying to get up, put his hands to his
ears and cried, "Make it stop!  Make it stop!"
    Colonel Sanford reached into his fanny pack for a Jolt.  "Sorry,
but I think you've had more Healthy Snacks(tm) than are healthy for
you.  It's time for a change."  He pinned the sponge on his back,
shook the can to get a nice head, cracked the can open, and shoved the
squirting can onto the spongie's mouth.
    *Gag* *cough, cough*  The sponge minion struggled for a bit, but
went still as the Jolt went down his throat and started the despong-
ification.  When the can was empty.  Rick got up, and after checking
to see that Parker was all right (he was groggy but coming back to
conciousness), he removed Pam's gag.
    "Oh Rick," Pam sobbed, "It was horrible.  I could feel my mind
going as that...that song kept playing, over and over."
    "I k
for a while.  By this time, the CD had reached "Sweet Emotion", which
was very appropriate.

                                  * * *

    Colonel Sanford watched as the EMT's loaded Parker into the Ambu-
lance.  He climbed in briefly to take the guards hand.
    "See you around, Champ.  I owe you for taking that hit for me."
    "It was the least I could do, seeing as how I let that jerk kid-
nap your girlfriend under my nose."
    Colonel Sanford grinned and got out.  Fortunately, Bassett hospi-
tal in Cooperstown was one of the best teaching hospitals in the
country.  Parker would get the best care there.
    He walked over to where Pam was being gently questioned by a
police matron.  "How're you doing?"
    "Better," Pam smiled.  "Rick, I'm sorry I doubted you."
    "Don't be.  You'd be surprised how hard it is to convince people
of this."  He kissed her briefly, then turned to the matron.  "How
much longer will you need her?"
    "I'm
reason to keep you, but there is someone calling you on the radio."
    Colonel Sanford's brows went up at that.  "Who?"
    "Wouldn't say, but she did say it was DE business."
    Colonel Sanford was silent at that.  "Ok, may I use your car
radio?"
    The matron pointed to her car.  "It's already on the right chan-
nel," she said.
    Rick sat down, picked up the microphone and said, "Colonel Sanford
here."
    "Colonel, this is Trooper Thaleia.  I'm supposed to pick you up
and bring you with me to central Kansas.  Where are you, and is there
anyplace I can land an A.S.S.V.A.K.T. nearby?"
    "I'm in Cooperstown, Trooper, and yes, there's an airport a bit
south and east of here.  Can you see Otsego Lake?  It's the larger of
the two.  Cooperstown is on the southern shore.  You should be able to
see the field once you're over it."
    "Got
    "Give me about a half-hour to finish up here."
    "Roger, Colonel.  I'll see you at the field, out."
    Rick walked over to Pam.  "I've got to go.  They're sending an
assault fighter to pick me up, so I assume it's related to this.  Will
you be all right?"  He caressed her cheek.
    She took his hand in hers and kissed the back of it.  "I'll be
fine.  I'll just go home and listen to your Mettalica CD for a few
days.  After all, that is Good Music(tm), isn't it?"
    Rick smiled.  "Sure, I'll be back in a few days, I promise."  He
turned to the police matron.  "Can someone take me to Cooperstown air-
port?  I've got a plane to catch."

                                  * * *

    An hour later, the A.S.S.V.A.K.T. was streaking southwest.  Troop-
er Thaleia was remarking, "That's quite a story.  Have you he
latest?"  She recounted the information she'd gathered up north.
"Colonel, just what the sneck is going on here?"
    "'Theirs not to wonder why.  Theirs but to do or die,' Trooper.
Actually, my Intelligence Officer says the central generator is in
Kansas, so I assume that's why we're headed there."  He looked back
to see the lights of Oneonta just coming on.  He traced route 205 back
to Mt. Vision.  "And right now, I've got very good reason to do some
serious butt-kicking."
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To be continued...

--
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   Colonel Rick Sanford, Legion of Doom, Despongification Division
   "Hit hard.  Hit fast.  Hit often."  Fleet Admiral Chester Nimitz
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